Month: March 2013

5 bad things I think would happen if Superman really existed

I dislike Superman. It’s partly because he’s a cheat, it’s partly because he’s a bit smarmy but mostly – and this is extremely important – it’s because he’s not Batman.

Now, I know that’s probably not the most logically thought out argument for why Superman sucks, so I’ve come up with some extremely practical implications that I believe would arise from his existence.

1. People would take more risks knowing that they’d be saved

People take risks when they think they’re safe. Bungee jumping – no-one would do that if there wasn’t a giant piece of elastic strapped to their legs; sky diving – people wouldn’t do it if they didn’t have a parachute. People will start to take more risks such as standing up to ruthless evil villains knowing that Superman would fly in and save the day. And other such things. Superman is the safety net for idiotic actions. Which brings me to point 2.

2. Superman would have to open a complaints line for anyone he didn’t help

People would start to think they had a right for Superman to save them when they were in danger and would take it personally when he didn’t help them. Because Superman has saved Lois Lane on numerous occasions, the rest of Metropolis would be angry if he didn’t ave them. Superman would get treated as public property and would essentially be another emergency service, only one that you didn’t have to phone as he could use his supersonic hearing to detect your danger.

In this respect, Superman is a bit God-like. One argument for God’s non-existence is that he cannot be all loving, all powerful and all knowing because he doesn’t help out those in need.

Superman is essentially all knowing due to his heightened senses. He is all powerful because he is from Krypton. So if he doesn’t save everyone in danger, then he will be deemed to be a bad person for not doing so. Hence, he’d need an 800 complaints line and a dedicated workforce to deal with the fallout.

3. There would be less state funding for the police force

The government would look at Metropolis and see that it had additional assistance in policing the city (Superman isn’t vilified in the way that Batman is) and decide that this meant they could reduce the funding to the police force.

This would have the effect that all the low level jobs such as parking tickets, jaywalking and littering would be either neglected and chaos would ensue. Chaos, I tells ya!

4. The world’s strongest man contest would be a farce.

I have checked records dating back to 1977 and there have been no extra-terrestrial entrants in the tournament. There is also no ruling that says that you have to be born on Earth to enter the tournament.

So Superman would either enter – I reckon he would as he’s a bit of a show-off – and turn the tournament into a farce by beating all of the other contestants by a ridiculous margin, or not enter and turn it into a farce because everyone would know that he’s actually a billion times stronger than whoever wins the tournament, making it a hollow victory.

5. The space race would start up again

If the world leaders knew that there was life in space as evidenced by Superman, then they would want to go out and explore it. Whether or not they would battle it out as they did during the Cold War, who could say. What would happen though, is that funding for the space program would go up substantially.

NASA’s budget is currently around 0.5% of the Federal budget according to Wikipedia. At the height of the Cold War, in 1966, the budget was 4.41% of the Federal total. It would definitely go up to close to this, if not beyond and would mean that there is a reduction in the basic services needed such as education, health and literally keeping the streets clean which would make life on Earth worse whilst they search for further life in space.

Snow fun

Snow is ace. Maybe it’s because I try to always have a childlike outlook on life but I can’t fail to get excited when it snows.

The last few times it’s snowed I’ve not been able to go out and play in the snow properly. Various things such as work, sickness or being in a recording studio have prevented me from doing so for quite some time. 
However, on Monday evening this week, whilst I was enjoying a nice warm bath (snow makes you cold, apparently), I had a ring on my doorbell. Which I promise you isn’t a euphemism. I went downstairs and found Natalie, Adam and Alice on my doorstep asking if I was coming out to play. 
The answer, obviously, was yes.
We spent an hour outside, freezing, with snow pounding down in our faces and it was possibly the best hour I’ve spent this year. We tried throwing snowballs and making a snowman but unfortunately the snow was a bit too powdery to stick together. So instead we kicked the snowman to death and drew a face on Lisa’s car so that it looked like a car from cars. We made snow angels and jumped in the deepest snow we could find.
I don’t get why people don’t enjoy snow. I love snow. I love it so much that me and Natalie once made a snowman outside the Kremlin. True story. Here it is:
I know that snow does cause problems for people. I know some people had ludicrously long journeys home or got stuck in their cars overnight or even had accidents and these things all suck.
And I know – from looking at Shepway District Council’s Facebook page – that some people were exceptionally angry about the snow. Regardless of the fact that they don’t deal with gritting the roads. The anger vented is in some ways understandable, however the manner that some posters go about it is nothing short of disrespectful and I’d quite happily pay a bit more in council tax if they promised to spend it on teaching the local community some common courtesy (not to mention nothing of spelling and grammar).
Sure, other countries are more prepared for snow. This is because they have snow all of the time. The same people moaning about the lack of gritting would I’m sure moan about the misuse of spending disproportionate amounts of money on snow protection for the 5 days of the year when it actually snows.
The fact is that voter turnout in council elections in 2011 ranged from 30-60% although was generally at the lower end of the scale makes it more likely than not that the people complaining didn’t vote in the election which is the best way to complain about the current state of affairs rather than abusing people who can’t see you from behind your computer screen or mobile phone.
But I digress. Maybe these people would benefit from relaxing and playing in the snow for a little bit. After all, life is short and it snows so infrequently.