dan light – A Boy Named Stew

Pirates and Pirates and Pirates

It was Layla’s birthday this week, which reminded me of something I’ve been meaning to write about for ages.

Pirates and Pirates and Pirates
supported by Hattie Hatstar

Once upon a time, in a field not too far away… Merton Farm in Canterbury, to be precise. At Lounge on the Farm. In the year two thousand and ten. The greatest band ever were formed!

We were at the festival for what I think was the second of the three years I went for, and Lynsey had started running a Quarterhouse Stage. Unfortunately they had a couple of performers drop out and were looking for replacements.

Stefan, probably fuelled by a beer or two at the time, suggested to her that he and I – who had never played music together previously – could fill a slot on the bill.

Me, probably fuelled by a beer or two at the time, went along with this and suggested that it would be a really great idea.

Lynsey, probably fuelled by whatever her choice of beverage is, was somehow convinced that we would actually be able to put on a performance and gave us a slow on Sunday afternoon, giving us a day and a half to get our shizzle together.

The first thing any band needs is a name. Then you know what sort of band you’ve got. There was a band playing at the festival called Cats and Cats and Cats. I had seen them earlier and thought they were quite good. Afterwards, I had nodded at one member of the band assuming that they were someone that I knew. They looked at me weirdly. I then realised that I knew who they were but that had no clue who I was.

Someone, I think James most likely, was telling me a story about how they had almost called themselves Parrots and Parrots and Parrots. “Pirates and Pirates and Pirates?” says I. “That’s an awesome name, let’s take it.” So we did.

We managed to borrow an acoustic guitar. Neither Stefan nor I can sing. He told me I had to as the guitar was right handed, and with me being left handed, this was the logical way to arrange the band. I had never been encouraged to sing in a band before. Mainly because people I’ve been in bands with have heard me sing.

This gave us Saturday to write songs. We had to borrow Dan Light’s diary so I could write lyrics down, and we sat around the campfire mainly writing songs about things that had happened to us over the course of the festival.

We wrote a song called No Cash Back about how the bars on site weren’t giving any cash back so James had to walk into town to get to a cash machine. We wrote another called Hobo Joe about a guy called Joe who Dan Light found sleeping in his tent one evening. There was The Ballad of Dan Light about Dan Light graffiti which had been appearing mysteriously on site and which we had absolutely nothing to do with.

On Sunday morning, it was Layla’s birthday. This is why I remembered that it was the 6th anniversary of the formation of the band when it was her birthday. Mainly because we then wrote a song about her birthday called Layla’s Birthday. It lasts 10 seconds and has the lyrics “Layla, it’s your birthday, but we’re not celebrating.”

For her birthday, Sophie had bought Layla a toy xylophone. This meant that she instantly made it into the band. Ben wanted to be in the band, and we wanted him to be in the band because he could actually sing. So he got in too. I seem to recall we also bought some sort of whistle from the Siesta tent for him to play as well. The drummer from Stefan’s actual band was at the festival. Stefan grabbed him, some saucepans and wooden spoons and he became our drummer.

We rehearsed briefly as a full band and then at 4.30pm we were unleashed upon the unsuspecting world. We had been spreading the word a bit, and as it’s quite a small festival we actually managed to get maybe 30 or 40 people we knew come along to watch us which I was extremely impressed with, especially as we had been talking down the band all weekend.

When we finished playing Hobo Joe, we discovered that Joe was actually a friend of a friend who had come along to watch us and that he was actually quite embarrassed by what had happened.

During the Ballad of Dan Light, Dan himself held up big bits of card which he had taped on True and False, to coincide with whether the statements about him were true of false. Attempting to “sing” the lyrics to the song whilst he was doing so is one of the funniest and most enjoyable memories that I’ve got.

We finished with a song called Thank You Lynsey thanking her for letting us play her stage. We added in information about things about her that Sophie had informed us about so we could embarrass her slightly, before legging it from the stage.

A few months later, Stefan came over to my house and we attempted to record the songs. There is a link below, but they are not as good as the originals, especially as they are lacking several instruments and I attempted the drums by filling a container with coins which really doesn’t work.

Although the band never officially split up, they have been on an indefinite hiatus. Perhaps there will be a reunion one day. Judging from how many times my old band have had reunions, nothing can be ruled out.

The band:
Stewart Cork – “singing”
Stefan Birkett – guitar
Ben Bailes – vocals, whistle and pretend trumpet
Layla Silbert – toy xylophone
Tom the Drummer – pots and pans

Songs from Dan Light’s Diary:
1 No Cash Back
2 Ballad of Dan Light
3 Hobo Joe
4 Piracy Funds Terrorism
5 Hotter Than The Med
6 Nice Guys Finish Last
7 Layla’s Birthday
8 Thank You Lyndsey

A version of these songs can be heard at https://soundcloud.com/pirates-2/sets/songs-from-dan-lights-diary

I want the world, I want the whole world…

There is an advertising campaign on the tube at the moment which says “Think 3
minutes is too long to wait? Try waiting 3 weeks for broadband!”

Before I started working in London, it always amused me that people would rush for the tube when another one is along so frequently.

The tube is a brilliant system. I like the fact that there are big announcements telling you exactly where you are so you know when to get off. I like how easy it is to get a connection. I like how frequently they arrive. I like how easy it is to find a tube station by just wandering around if you’re not sure where you are..

I’m also a big fan of the tube map. I love maps. I’m not sure why. I think it might be because I’ve got no sense of direction and therefore I like things that help me overcome that. I also like looking at them and all the exotic – and not so exotic – names of places I could visit, things I could see, things I could do.

Since Dan Light showed me that you can put a ‘transit’ option on Google Maps, I’ve become obsessed with looking at maps with the actual underground routes put on. It is interesting to compare the diagrammatic London Underground Map originally designed by Harry Beck with the actual layout of the tube lines. The standard map is so neat and structured yet when you look at where the actual lines run, it looks like a chaotic mess and you can start to appreciate what a work of art the map actually is.

Tube Map of London (left) compared to the actual layout of tubelines on Google Maps (right).

It’s not as much of a mess as the Paris metro which looks like a plate of multi-coloured spaghetti. I am confused by the New York system where basically all seems to run the same way and I struggle to see the benefit of having so many lines doing the same thing. I like the simplicity of the metro in Prague where three lines all intersect at just one point. Or the even simpler system in Athens where two lines cross over at two points. I think this is a hobby it will take me a while to tire of as there are 148 cities with metro systems for me to look at.

I fell in love with the tube map when we got a game called The London Game when we were little. I had no idea what any of these places were with exciting names such as Pimlico, Barbican and Knigtsbridge. I had no idea what these places we like, where they were, what you could do there (other than a few things on the cards in the game) but I fell in love with them and fell in love with the structure of the map and the ease of navigation.

Since working in London, I’ve come to realise that sometimes running for the tube can be useful. My trains back to Folkestone run every half an hour, so if I miss one I’ve got 29 minutes to spend loitering at St Pancras before I can get home to dinner/bed depending on the time of day.

So I’ve started to see why having to wait three minutes for another tube could be a bit frustrating at times. I struggle, though, to find much sympathy for people having to wait three weeks for a broadband connection. It is such a luxury item that I’m sure you can go without it for three weeks. When I moved into my flat it took 2 months for them to install my broadband. This was partly because the internet company refused to believe my flat didn’t exist as it wasn’t on the post office database. This confused me as the postman suffered no problems actually delivering my post.

I survived during this time. I spoke to humans rather than machines. I think we are too obsessed with connectivity these days. I include myself in this. I’ll often almost bump into someone in the street as I’m replying to a message which could probably have waited the 10 minutes until I get to my destination to reply to. We don’t need to be always connected, always on. I’ve started turning my phone off for periods of the day just so that I can ensure I’m not picking up my phone every 20 seconds and can therefore focus on what I’m actually doing or enjoy the moment knowing I’m not going to be interrupted.

Our modern society is also so obsessed with having stuff now – which the internet is partly to blame for, I think. You can now get pretty much any entertainment you want – music, films, books, computer games, delivered to you instantaneously. And anything you can’t get straight away, you can get delivered pretty quickly.

I love the internet. It lets me watch House of Cards, and I’m all for technological progress but I’m sure anyone can do without a broadband connection for 3 weeks, especially when everyone has a small box that can be used to summon the elders of the internet to provide you with information if there is something you really need.

Some people have been waiting thousands of years for clean water. It is often far too easy to lose perspective. You can deal without broadband for a short while.

Bucket List Item 44: Convince Battleska Galactica to reform

This one was a bit of a cheating item, I guess. When I wrote about the life and times of Battleska Galactica, I mentioned that a girl called Hannah Beatton had started a Facebook petition to get the band to play a reunion gig.

For some reason that I am still unaware of, she had put a 6-week deadline on it which was never going to happen as it would have taken me longer than that to remember how to play guitar.

Everyone in the band got on board the idea quite quickly and we planned the gig for December 21st, with four rehearsals scheduled for the two months prior to this. After some discussions around venue, support bands and the like, we ended up playing Stripes with T.A.R, my favourite local band – 3dbs Down – and 7 Day Conspiracy.

We had almost as many drummer issues as Spinal Tap. Pierre has been abroad for what now seems like an eternity and Motown was up for it but as he is making a living out of music and touring and all that exciting stuff, he was unavailable to practice. In place, we called up Baxter – one time former SuperPartyFunTimes drummer (more on that another time) and currently drumming in Battleska offshoot Call Me Malcolm. Motown and his amazing moustache did make it back to play on one hastily rehearsed during soundcheck version of Skank Away Your Heartache which was a nice touch.

We all dressed up in Christmas-related costumes with reindeers, angels, snowmen and Mr and Mrs Santa. However Lewis being Lewis hadn’t arranged his outfit until the day of the gig. He phoned me up and asked what everyone else was doing. After telling him, he managed to forget what I had told him and came as Santa. Which was my costume. I even said “Well this is embarrassing. One of us is going to have to change,” but he didn’t get the hint. I don’t miss Lewis.

Just like in the olden days, Trev’s attendance at the gig was seemingly random. This time he was genuinely gutted about missing out due to an ear infection. Back in the day, Trev used to play both for us and Kingskin and we always knew that they were his first love and we were his bit on the side.

For the reunion show he was the most excited about it. I received a text from him which unfortunately has disappeared from my phone now. I had asked the band whether they would be able to make the gig on a certain date and his reply was something along the lines of: “Why don’t we play next week? And the week after? And the week after that?”

Filling out Stripes again, like it was in the olden days, was pretty cool. I had an awesome night, got drunk and got upset that it all went so quickly. The gig itself was incredible. It was just like the olden days and it made me miss playing regularly.

For some reason, they had put a mic in front of me which – after a brief experiment shortly after I joined the band – was never allowed. This I found to be incredible. I could shout whenever I wanted and talk drunken crap into the mic. It made my day. Being aware that I am not the best of singers and that I don’t know many of our lyrics despite writing a number of them (although to be fair, Luke doesn’t either) I turned the mic around and allowed Dan Light and Emma Gresswell to shout/sing into it as much as they wanted.

For about the past 50,000 years, Skid has been jokingly (I think it was jokingly anyway) trying to kick me out of the band and take my place. I ended up in front of him in the crowd during My Brother Thom and inspiration hit me. I handed him my pick and told him to start strumming. It took him a while to work out what he was doing as I am left handed and he’s right handed, but it sort of worked. He has later told me this was the best moment of his life. I think he needs to get out more.

I don’t remember playing well. I was quite drunk. At the same time I don’t remember playing badly. I do remember that for some reason the amp I was borrowing decided it was going to feedback a lot which was quite annoying although I hope I managed to counter that reasonably well by muting my guitar when I wasn’t playing. Apologies to anyone there if I didn’t manage it well.

I also managed to accidentally break my crowdsurfing virginity. During an unscheduled and underrehearsed version of Sexual Walking, I put down my guitar as I finish playing before everyone else and fell forward into the crowd as I was off balance and exhausted. Somehow this resulted in me getting lifted up and making it half-way through the crowd. I am so accidentally rock’n’roll.

We donated all of the money we received for the gig from the door or some specially made t-shirts and hoodies and sales of some CDs we found we had left over to the Folkestone Winter Shelter. The shelter attempts to provide food accommodation for homeless people in local churches during the winter running from December to February. It’s a great cause and if you have a few pennies spare, I would recommend you donate to them. All in we managed to donate £220 to them which hopefully helped out the great cause.

After the gig, Luke managed to not give me a lift home as had been previously discussed so I had to carry all my gear back to my flat. Fortunately I managed to find a couple of helpers so it wasn’t too bad. We then tried to make it into Chambers but we unable to so I ended up wandering around town drunk and checking out all the amazing messages that had been posted on Facebook from people saying how much they enjoyed the gig and walking home with a smile on my face. It was easily the best thing I did in 2012.

A good friend of mine who was involved in organising the May the Forth celebrations in Folkestone had actually asked me before the December gig whether we would play at the event. I had told him that it would depend on how well that one went but that we were all enjoying ourselves so it was likely we would.

After it was done, I text the band to gauge interest and managed to get everyone on board. I am using that to count that as succeeding in this bucket list item.

The gig was at the Bar Below the View and was maybe a bit less memorable for me. It took a lot more organisation on my part. For the Stripes gig, we had basically let Chester from T.A.R. do the large part of the organisation. For this one, I had to get a bit more involved and also had to do a lot more organising of the band for rehearsals as people were busier this time. It reminded me of how difficult it was to get eight people in the same place at the same time on a regular basis.

Luke was keen for everyone to wear onesies on stage. I’m surprised he didn’t go with the Star Wars theme

and suggest everyone dressed up as characters so that he could be Princess Leia. I happened to have a Chewbacca costume which apparently counted as a onesie so I was able to combine the two. I really wish I hadn’t. I’m generally a bit of a sweaty man but this was ridiculous. I swear I was pretty close to fainting. I was so incredibly drained by the end of it but the gig was worth it as a whole.

For some reason, I decided to do the big fish little fish cardboard box dance instead of playing my solo during Skank Away Your Heartache. I’m not entirely sure why. It definitely seemed like a good idea at the time though.

Most importantly, Luke finally gave me a lift to and from a gig. It was only about 10 years coming.

Again, it was entirely a charity event and all the proceeds went to the Rainbow Centre which runs that Winter Shelter among other projects.

The conclusion from all of this is that I’m too old to do this on a regular basis. On top of that, everyone is so far apart now and grown up and busy for it to be logistically feasible to do this on a regular basis. It was nice to resurrect the band briefly and it made me miss playing music but at the same time made me realise that it is a chapter of my life that is now closed.

If you need a Battleska-esque fix, then please check out Call Me Malcolm who are effectively Battleska 2.0 with Luke on guitar, Lewis’s alter-ego on trombone, Trev on bass and Baxter on the beats.

The band are a natural progression from BSG, with songwriting pushed up slightly to the next level and arrangements simplified (trying to get 8 instruments onto one song at times could be a bit messy). Where in Battleska we were trying to combine The Ataris and Reel Big Fish, Call Me Malcolm sounds more like they are trying to combine Pendulum and Desmond Decker.

So, for now, RIP Battleska Galactica.

Photos borrowed/stolen from Leif Wildman and Kate Wintie/GIGglepics

Bucket List item completed – 37: Visit Hadrian’s Wall

I’ve never been able to work out exactly why I wanted to go to Hadrian’s Wall. I’ve wanted to since I was very little. My best guess would be that it seemed like such a preposterously long way to a small child that it would feel like going to the end of the world.

As a grown up who realises that it is less than 400 miles away and who has been on flights that have taken him much further than that, that logic no longer holds up.For some reason I did still want to go, hence why it was on my bucket list.

I booked a week off work and decide to plot a list of other places that I wanted to go and see on the way as it’s quite a long way to drive just to go and look at a ruined wall.

Darwin

First up was Down House in North Kent. I’ve intended to go here several times before as I get free entry being an English Heritage member but have never got round to actually going and this seemed like the perfect opportunity. I got greeted at the door by a woman who was exceptionally excited that a “young person” was a member. I was excited that she thought I qualified as a young person.

The house itself gave a reasonable overview of Darwin’s life on the top floor and the lower floor was preserved as it would have been when he used it. The things that stood out to me – aside from the fact that David Attenborough did the audio guide which was exceptionally cool – were how normal a person Darwin seemed to have been.

He was not an outstanding student, getting decidedly average grades and he seemed to have a great sense of fun, often playing backgammon or billiards with his butler to help him forget about his work.

He also had a kick-ass beard, unlike I was told when I did a sketch of him in school which I was marked down for. As you can tell, I’m still a bit annoyed about that.

Dahl

Next up was a stop in Great Missenden to the see the Roald Dahl Museum and Story Centre. Dahl is a bit of a hero of mine as I wrote last September. Since then, I have read through all of his books that I previously hadn’t read and this was one of the things I was most excited about on my trip.

When I turned up, it was obvious that the museum was aimed at children and I was a bit worried that there would be a repeat of the Great Radnor Park Fair incident (see footnote 1).

Fortunately this didn’t happen and the people on the desk were exceptionally nice and just explained to me the route around the museum.

Some of the information in the museum was a bit repetitive, telling us about a few events from Dahl’s life on more than one occasion. Quite a lot of it was taken straight from Boy, so I had already read a lot of it before. This still didn’t hamper my enjoyment of the whole place which, whilst set up for children, was still very magical.

The coolest bit was that they had moved the hut that Dahl did almost all of his writing in from his old house into a museum and preserved it in exactly the state he left it in. It was great to see the seemingly random environment in which he worked. On closer inspection, everything seemed to be set up to be exactly where it needed to be to allow him to write without having to leave his chair.

I found it interesting that both Dahl and Darwin preferred not to write at a desk but at an armchair with a board across their lap. Dahl was also not an exceptional student and it seemed weird that these two geniuses in different fields had similarities in their background. Or maybe I was just reading too much into a couple of coincidences.

They have a height chart on the wall of one of the rooms which allows you to compare yourself in height to many of his characters. This is a simple but brilliantly enjoyable idea. I discovered that I’m the same height as the Vicar of Nibbleswicke which is a little bit shorter than Mrs Twit but slightly taller than Willy Wonka.

After leaving the museum I wandered around the town looking at items that were seemingly inspiration for characters, events or locations in his work. These weren’t overly exciting, although heading out to his grave in the local churchyard was pretty cool. No-one else was there and I always like seeing cool things when no-one else is around. There are two BFG’s footprints leading to the grave which is just such an admirably cute thing to do that it made me want to visit more famous people’s graves.

I then attempted to make my way from there to the nearby motel I was staying at in an attempt to get there in time for the FA Cup Final. I managed to get very lost. There were two main reasons for this. The first is that I had been over-reliant on the sat nav on my phone to get this far and the battery was dying. The second is that I decided then to write down directions so I would be able to find the place even with my phone off. However, I got directions to the wrong place.

This is basically an indication of how good my sense of direction is. Fortunately I managed to use the last drips of my phone battery to get the correct location, directions there and somehow stumble upon it before my phone completely conked it.

I then sat watching the FA Cup final, drinking Monster and eating crisps in a room smaller than most student halls just because it was ridiculously cheap. I know how to live the high life.

From this point onwards, I made sure to write down all the directions the night before and also attempt to memorise the route. This is a life lesson I hope I never forget.

Sherwood Forest

The following morning I got up expecting to have a nice fry up at the motel only to discover that they didn’t start serving until 10am on a Sunday. I couldn’t be bothered to sit around for 2 or so hours to wait so made a move towards my destination for the day and grabbed some over-priced service station food on the way.

I had put the day aside to visit Sherwood Forest. I expected to be able to do archery, fight Little John on a bridge and attempt to win the hand of Maid Marian.

My visit got off to a good start, with a robin greeting me on arrival. I took this as a sign and followed him until he disappeared into a random bush. At that point, I thought it would be a bit weird.

I then saw a sign for a combat performance by the Oakland Outlaws happening in quarter of an hour by the Great Oak which happened to be quarter of an hour away by foot. Now, if you find out that a combat re-enactment is happening in 15 minutes time 15 minutes away from you and you don’t decide instantly to go then you’re probably not human. Or a pacifist. Possibly even a non-human pacifist.

The performance started with the Sheriff of Nottingham asking if anyone wanted to attempt to win a captured Maid Marian’s hand in marriage. Perfect, I thought! The perfect opportunity!

There was a lot of children watching the performance and I didn’t want to spoil it for them so I let Robin Hood be the one to speak up. He knew that I couldn’t have beaten him for he hand, though. I could tell by the way the rest of his performance was poor.

In fact, the whole thing was disappointingly poor. The acting was poor, they followed an illogical and seemingly random plot line with Marian fighting Will Scarlet for some unknown reason. I was quite disappointed really.

Later on, I saw a masked figure marching through the woodland towards me. Had I not seen the character in the performance already, I would have properly pooped my pants there and then.

Overall, the forest wasn’t terribly exciting but it was free and quite pretty in places.

The hotel for the evening was in Leeds. I asked them at the desk if they were serving dinner and got a positive response which excited me. I then got confused by meal system and constantly thought I was going to get told off. I managed to get tangled up in a touring party and was sitting in the wrong place and wasn’t sure what I was allowed to have. In the end I ate too much as I was given the choice of three courses or no courses

Jorvik Viking Centre and other attractions

The following day was spent entirely in York. I had been told by many people that it was a lovely city and it had another thing I had wanted to see since I was in school, the Jorvik Viking Centre.

When I studied Vikings in primary school, I thought they were amazing. Big bearded men with cool hats doing whatever they liked. As I grew older, I started to disapprove of the raping and pillaging part of their culture, but I was still fascinated by their beards and hats. Which is possibly part of the reason I sport a beard myself. That and to hide my bum-chin.

I seem to remember asking my mum if we could go to the Viking centre in York and getting some sort of answer that placated me whilst at the same time she thought “it’s 600 miles away. We’ll just take him to the sea and pretend that one of the boats is a Viking ship.” Or this may have entirely been a fabrication in my head. I’m not sure which.

Anyway, as a Grown Up, I am able to decide to go to these sorts of places if I want to! So I did.

Now, I’m not going to lie, my favourite part of the whole museum was the fact that they had a Viking poo and I’ve pretty much forgotten everything else they had there. I do remember it being an enjoyable experience and that some of the characters in costume have a lot of patience to deal with wave after wave of schoolchildren all day long. I also remember that the last Viking king was called Eric Bloodaxe which is a ridiculously cool name and I immediately texted my friend who was about to become a father for the first time to insist that he called his child that.

There were three other attractions linked to the Viking centre and I managed to make it to two of them. The first was called Dig which is basically an interactive archaeology lesson. The guy at the Viking Centre booked me a timeslot for the tour without telling me that it was pretty much just based at kids. I turned up to Dig to discover that I was the only one booked on the tour. The nice chap there, Adam, was really cool and basically gave me a one-to-one archaeology lesson. I learnt a lot and it actually made me wish that I’d studied history further at school, although I think I was put off by my secondary school’s focus on the two World Wars and not all the cool stuff with knights and castles that I was interested in.

The other was Barley Hall which had an awesome Horrible Histories exhibition and I recommend if you get a chance. I bloody love Horrible Histories.

I also managed to make a quick stop at Clifford’s Tower, an English Heritage property which used to be part of York Castle. I bloody love castles.

As I drove further and further north, I noticed that there were more and more wind farms. I personally find them to be an attractive feature of the landscape. They are like the modern day version of a windmill. The fact that we don’t have them down in the south-east seems to be a bit of “not on my doorstep” snobbery which I don’t understand because they are both pretty and practical.

I also saw a pig farm for what I’m sure is the first time ever although I have been since informed that there is one near to my town.

I stayed at another motel which basically seemed to be a combination of a hostel and self-cleaning portaloos. The toilets freaked me out a bit. The first time I went in, I heard an “ahh” as if the person in the cubicle next to me had just let out a sigh of relief. When it happened a second and third time, I was a little freaked out by the fact that the toilet seemed to be upset at my presence.

Angel of the North

Before I left for my trip, I had asked in a Facebook what one thing people would recommend me not missing on my trip and I decided to try to incorporate as many as possible. One of these was the Angel of the North.

I had seen it on my drive into Newcastle but after doing a little research I discovered that you can park up and walk right up to it/her which I decided to do before setting out for the day.

I arrived there and as with Dahl’s grave, I was the only visitor which made it slightly more magical. It really is an iconic piece of art and is quite inspiring. I liked the artist’s reason for picking an angel which is “because no-one has seen one.” Something quite romantic about that, in a weird way.

Hadrian’s Wall

Then I moved on to what ostensibly was the purpose of my trip, to visit Hadrian’s Wall. I made several stops along the route, stopping at all the manned English Heritage properties and attempting to find a couple of unmanned places as well although they tended not to be as well signposted.

As I travelled from east to west, there was more of the wall available to see and I think I did it in the right direction. I had considered the other way but due to a few things being closed on certain days, this worked out better.

It was like a stripper teasing me by showing a bit more of what I wanted to see every few miles.

I’m not entirely sure what to say about the wall. It is largely still buried or where it has been excavated, it has often been stolen to use for use in other buildings. As such, it would do a very poor job of keeping the Scots at bay if we happened to go to way with them now.

I am glad I went but I was hoping for a bit more.

I am a fan of walls. I like them. They hold my roof in place and stop other people seeing me go to the toilet. However after seeing the Great Wall of China a few years ago, I guess Hadrian’s Wall was never going to be able to compete.

The best part of it was that aside from petrol costs, it was an entirely free day out due to my EH membership, as I managed to refuse every member of staff who inevitably tried to sell me a guidebook upon arrival.

There were a lot of Roman forts along the route all largely made in the same style and I could probably now draw that from memory. It would be a pretty bad drawing, mind, as my art skills are particularly limited.

I was also especially chuffed that I could recognise pieces of samian pottery which Adam from Dig had familiarised me with the previous day.

I ended my day with a visit to Carlisle castle and all I could think pretty much the whole time was that it smelt like kebab shop pizza. It had one of the freakiest areas that I’ve seen in any castle before with a long dark room with a barrel lit up at the opposite end and the sound of bats everywhere.

Bucket List item added: 48 : Climb Scafell Pike

The following day I had intended to spend in the Lake District climbing Scafell Pike. I don’t often fall foul of the doing something because it’s there logic, however mountains seem to be different. Last year I was visiting a friend in Bangor and we decided to climb Snowdon. I thought it would be nice to climb the highest mountain in England this year.

Unfortunately the day on which I had intended to do so, the weather was forecast to be 30 mph winds and heavy rain. Having struggled climbing up a couple of hills along the Hadrian’s Wall route, I thought it would be best to attempt it at a less dangerous and more pleasurable time, so I have added this to my bucket list.

Bucket List item completed – 45: Go on a random adventure with Dan Light

It so happened that Dan Light got in touch with my at this point to meet up with me. He’d previously been busy at a wedding and working but had always intended to join for part of my adventure From this point on, the trip was much less planned anyway as the only thing I had left that I definitely wanted to do was visit Cadbury World, so I arranged to meet up with Dan in Bournville the following day to go there and to plan the rest of our journey from then on.

Cadbury World

I had managed to avoid bad traffic previously except in Gateshead in rush hour and had foolishly assumed that I would never again in my life encounter any problems. I managed to get stuck in slow moving traffic on the M6 and then lost in Birmingham city centre, which ended up with me being two hours meeting Dan.

When I finally got there, Dan made friends with an 82 year old man called John who had given him a brief tour and history of the local area. We immediately went to Cadbury World as it was due to close in an hour’s time and I really really did not want to miss it. Fortunately, that was just the time for last entry and we got a good couple of hours wandering around the factory.

I was hoping but not expecting it to be like Willy Wonka’s factory which is my all time favourite film ever and will probably be so until I die.

I was not disappointed. In fact, I’d say it was even better than Wonka’s factory. I think Dan got a little bit annoyed at me singing “I’ve Got A Golden Ticket” over and over so some of the time I just sung it in my head.

I don’t really want to spoil the experience for anyone who might want to go themselves, as I found it to be a truly magical one.

I will say is that it is quirky in a similar way to Wonka’s which I really wasn’t expecting at all. I was thinking it would just be the tour of some chocolate making facilities but it was much much more of an experience. The chocolate making part of things was awesome as well. They don’t have Oompa Loompas but they do have machines which are actually incredible in how they work.

You aren’t allowed to take many photos there. I’m assuming they are worried about Slugworth getting hold of their secrets and copying their products.

Suffice to say, this was definitely the highlight of my trip. I would recommend it to anyone of any age.

Shakespeare

That evening we decided to stay in Stratford-upon-Avon and watch Hamlet at RSC. This allowed Dan first hand proof of how bad my navigational skills are as, using the GPS on my phone, I managed to lead us to the theatre’s warehouse in the middle of an industrial estate rather than the theatre itself in the town centre.

We managed to get there in time, drank some ridiculously expensive wine and enjoyed a brilliant performance. I had previously decided that I would try to read the Shakespeare plays that I’d not previously read and after this, I am tempted to book a long weekend in Stratford every so often and check out all the plays they are putting on at that time.

The following day, we went to visit Shakespeare’s Birthplace. Which, frankly, is a very overpriced trip to an old house with a couple of videos. That’s not to say I didn’t enjoy it but just that I didn’t enjoy fifteen pounds worth of fun.

I did find a half price Rough Guide to Shakespeare in the gift shop which I have found very useful so far.

MAD Museum

Another place we visited in Stratford was the MAD Museum – the museum of Mechanical Art and Design. I had been looking on that there internet the night before for things to do and knowing that Dan did a degree in engineering and loves this sort of thing, I decided to take him there as a thank you for enduring me trying to force him to be cultured with all the Shakespeare stuff.

This museum is incredible. Any description of it probably won’t do it justice. Imagine you walk into a mad scientists laboratory and there’s all these things going on all at once with machines doing random things. None of them are functional, all of them are beautiful and fascinating.

I highly recommend this. It was the second best thing I saw on the whole trip and at under half the price of Shakespare’s Birthplace, I would choose to visit this twice and buy an ice cream rather than go to the birthplace if and when I go back to Stratford.

That evening, we stayed at Pontins in Burnham-on-Sea because it was the cheapest place available on the journey to Cornwall. We paid £19 for a four person chalet 2 minutes walk from the beach.

After bonding with the security guards over the fact that Carling tastes like piss, they gave us directions to the beach. We’d bought ourselves a BBQ and food which we enjoyed, watched the sun go down, had some beer and I let Dan beat me at boules.

Eden Project

The final day was spent with a visit to the Eden Project. Looking out of the window of our room in Pontins, it was exceptionally sunny so I thought for the last day of my holiday I would wear shorts and t-shirt!

It turned out to be a bad decision as about 10 minutes into the Eden Project, we had to go back to get our coats.

Eden is a very pretty place and an impressive project. We probably didn’t spend enough time there as there is a lot to see and take in and if you’re rushing around you won’t get too much of it. We do now have annual passes and I may well attempt to go back there at some point. Especially as we missed the opening of the longest zipwire in England by one day.

Bucket List Item completed – 47: Drive across a country from one extreme to the other

After this, we returned home. On my bucket list, I had put down driving across a country from one extreme to the other. Now, technically I didn’t drive from one extreme to the other but I pretty much drove to every corner of England. I wanted to go to Land’s End but the hour each way to do so wasn’t available as I wanted to get back for a friend’s birthday celebrations.

So I am counting it. I don’t care what you think. It’s my list and I drove 1,450 miles which is Land’s End to John o’Groats and most of the way back again, so I am counting it. I make the rules here.

If you want to see all of the photos from my trip, they are up as a Facebook album which I think should be public. If you can’t get to it, let me know and I’ll attempt to adjust the privacy settings.

Footnote:
1. The Great Radnor Park Fair Incident occurred in 2009 when I went to the fun fair with some friends and bought a wristband to allow me to go on any ride. I am not very keen on rides in general and after going on the dodgems, the ghost train and the bumper cars, my friends wanted to go on the rage cage. This is not something I had any intention of doing and so Natalie suggested that I go on the kiddies roller-coaster Being an tight accountant and wanting to go to the most out of my ticket, I thought this was a good idea. I queued up for the ride and got right to the front and the guy waved me on. I got in the front of the roller-coaster and a few minutes later, I got a tap on the shoulder and the guy asked me where my kid was. I said I didn’t have one and he told me that it was a kid’s ride and that I had to get off. Stunned, I was speechless and unable to counter what at the time seemed to me like a flawless argument.