Stewart

I’ve got a new complaint

Kurt Cobain died 20 years ago today.

Nirvana were an important part of my youth. I could list all the reasons why I felt they were important and the sort of connection I had to them but it’s the sort of thing that has probably been done over and over in the 23 years since Nevermind was released.

What is more of interest is how long ago that seems, how old it makes me feel and the reducing significance that their impact has had on me over time.

I wonder if this is how our parents generation feel about the Beatles. They’re a band that I dislike for possibly the most stupid of stupid reasons. I don’t see anything original in them because everyone who has come since has ripped them off. So I find their music uninteresting. However, for my parents generation, they were the defining band. They were the ones who changed the way the world worked, which is how I feel about Nirvana.

For my 18 month old niece (and any children I hopefully might have someday), by the time they reach adulthood, Cobain would have been dead for about 40 years. That would mean he’d have been gone two generations. So much could have changed in that sort of time period.

It’s not just the next generations who won’t appreciate the significance of Nirvana. There was a period when I probably didn’t go more than a day without listening to one of their albums. Now, I could easily go a year without doing so. What seemed to be the most important thing in the world at the time is clearly no longer so. I just don’t feel as strongly about them as I used to, although I recogise the effect that they had on my life.

There was a time when I thought that owning every Mansun EP ever released was the most important thing in the world. A couple of decades later, I can’t work out why I had that line of thought. The significance of these events has faded into the past.

When you look at children of today with their obsessions with the heelies and The One Directions and the pogs and the Spongebob Squarepantses, it is difficult to criticise them for being silly and just following fads and having stupid obsessions, as I did the exact same sort of things. I bleached my hair to look more like Cobain, I called my first guitar Mavis after a fictional character from a Mansun song and several other things that I have either forgotten about or am now too embarrassed to admit.

One of the things I find uncomfortable about with growing up is not that I have discarded interests out of choice, but that they have slowly lost their significance.

Past Stew wants to know what the hell is up with Present Stew and why he has sold out on his punk rock values. Future Stew will want to know why Present Stew even cares about this.

Present Stew just wants a dressing gown and a nice pair of slippers.

We are family

Quite a while ago my sister-in-law told me that I should write more blogs. “Ha!” I thought, “I’ll write one about her! I’m sure she’d love that!”

Had I actually got around to writing this several months ago it might have been more amusing then but nevermind. Anyway, I am going to tell you about the three new additions to my family that have occurred over the last few years.

Let’s start with the day my sister-in-law became my sister-in-law. It was one of the worst days of my life. Not because she was becoming my sister-in-law but because my brother had asked me to be his best man. This was literally the most nerve wracking day of my entire life. I even had Mikey as another best man to help me with everything. What actually happened was that we made each other more and more nervous as the day went on.

We had rehearsed our joint speech a week or so before and we found ourselves hilarious. Come the actual day, having to stand up in front of family and friends and actually do the speech became the most terrifying thing in the world. We were sat next to each other at the table during the meal and barely spoke, unable to drink much wine for fear of the effect it would have on us.

In the end it went well. I guess drawing a graph that turns out to be a penis is a joke that transcends the generations.

My sister-in-law is a wonderful, lovely, generous person who – most importantly – is somehow able to put up with my brother.

Next, to my brother-in-law. He is definitely a spy. No doubt about it. All my sister knows is that he does “something to do with pipes” which means that he has to go out to the middle east a lot. That’s where spies go. I’ve seen James Bond go there. I’ve seen Adam Carter go there. It’s where all of the spies go.

Not that you’d think it to look at him, though. I think that’s probably why he makes such a great spy. No-one suspects him.

My brother and I ushered at their wedding and got extremely confused by the L-shaped room they got married in. I’d ushered twice before and classed myself as “experienced” but woah – that was a definite challenge to my abilities. We pulled through in the end, despite some hasty rearranging to find a seat for my dad after he had walked my sister down the aisle.

And finally to my favourite member of the family, the only one on the same intellectual level as me – my eighteen month old niece.

I did some research on the internet about how to be a good uncle and the internet told me that you need to
help your niece/nephew push the boundaries that are laid down by their parents. So, when my sister gets annoyed that I’m helping Jess throw her food everywhere, I can just point her in the direction of the internet to back me up.

Jess is wonderful. I know there’s a small possibility of bias but she is definitely 5000% the cutest kid who was ever born. I’ve taught her to high five me as soon as she sees me. That’s cool, right? I could probably go on for ages but instead I will just show you this selfie of me and her which proves that she’s almost as awesome as me.

It’s all about the game and how you play it

Tonight is the Royal Rumble, World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE)’s first flagship pay-per-view (PPV) of the year. It is also one year since I started watching wrestling again.

Our family first got Sky TV in 1991 and as soon as we did, me and my siblings were hooked. Primarily it was me and my brother. I’ve always viewed wrestling as sort of like a testosterone fueled soap opera. Viewer-wise, the gender split for wrestling viewing is currently 65% male, 35% female. I’ve not been able to find any research on soap viewing but I would imagine that the split is roughly the opposite.

I guess what I’m saying is I want my soap opera to have oiled up men in pants grappling with each other and making each other groan. Don’t judge me. It makes me manly.

There is still an undercurrent of sexism within wrestling. Women, whilst gaining a bit more prominence since I initially started watching, are still treated as inferior and sometimes as sex objects – mainly by Jerry “The King” Lawler. For anyone who doesn’t know who he is, imagine the wrestling equivalent of Andy Gray and you’re probably pretty close.

The women’s title had been renamed the “Divas Championship” since I had last watched which seemed like a step in the wrong direction to me. The womens division did seem to be larger and perhaps had a bit more prominence but – as with football – it is still generally seen as insignificant and is paid nowhere near as well. This website has a list of wrestler’s salaries.

AJ Lee, who is the current Divas champion and has recently surpassed the record for longest reigning female champion is on an annual salary of $104,300 (£63,000) which pales into insignificance when compared to the two men who fought in the title unification fight at Hell in the Cell last month. Current champion Randy Orton is on $1,600,500 (£970,000) and John Cena who is on $2,750,000 (£1,700,000).

The conclusion from all of this is that men like to watch largely naked well paid men cuddling each other. The treatment of women in wrestling is something that bugs me but my moral conscience is not strong enough to stop me from watching. I’d like to think that, in some way, being an enlightened viewer may help persuade the WWE to treat women better, but I’m not sure exactly how that would work.

Going back to the soap opera element, obviously I know that wrestling “isn’t real.” Although what people mean by that statement, I’m not entirely sure. It’s like saying that Eastenders isn’t real. I guess what they mean is that the results are fixed. Fine, that’s the whole point. It’s what keeps the storylines going. I didn’t think this when I was little though.

One of my school colleagues had a dad who worked in television in some way, possibly a cameraman. When Summerslam came over to London in 1992, he got to go up with his dad and hang around back stage. I thought he was indescribably cool for having this opportunity. When he came back, I thought he was less cool. This is because he told me that he had seen The Undertaker and Kamala having a cup of tea and discussing what the were going to do in their match. I was convinced he was making it up. This sort of thing just couldn’t happen. It was like being told that santa didn’t exist all over again. I was sure that I was being lied to but I couldn’t work out why someone would lie about something so important.

Over time, I got a full understanding of what it was and how it worked and I still had an appreciation of it. No-one does spectacle or entertainment quite like the WWE and at the age of 34, I can still get excited when something happens like the underdog Daniel Bryan managing to win the world championship from John Cena.

Sure, some of it isn’t very exciting at times, and WWE still have a habit of managing to take a story line or character that threatens to be really interesting or exciting and throw it away in favour of maintaining the status quo.

I watched wrestling on and off over the times that I’ve had Sky but over the course of the last year, I’ve been watching every pay per view and the odd Raw or Smackdown in between or reading about them on the internet when I can’t. It’s safe to say, I’m addicted again. It is, by and large, as much fun as it has always been, and – I find – much more exciting than Eastenders.

Review: Yeezus by A Gay Fish

One of my resolutions for 2014 is to listen to more music. As it to actually listen to it. When I was little, I would lay down and do nothing but listen to music. These days, it tends to be more of a background activity. Something to put on while I do the washing up or drive to work or clean out my guinea pigs or play games or something else.

This afternoon, I turned off my phone, loaded up Spotify and put on Kanye West’s album Yeezus. I chose this album partly because of my continuing quest to broaden my horizons and partly because it was top or near the top of a large number of best albums of 2013 lists.

To my knowledge, I’d not consciously listened to any Kanye before. At least, not knowing that it was him. As with a lot of my cultural knowledge, all I knew about Kanye I had learnt from South Park. So I knew that he had finally admitted to being a gay fish and is dating a Kardasian who looks like a hobbit.

I make no secret that I think the three best rappers I’ve heard are all in the Beastie Boys which may be seen as a flippant statement but it’s one I agree with. I do listen to rap when I’m in the mood and I’m especially fond of Mos Def but come on, he’s no Ad Rock, is he?

As such, it might be difficult for Kanye to win a place in my affections but I went into this with an open mind, wanting to like it.

Musically the album is okay. In fact, it is exceptional in places, sounding at times like music from a sci-fi dsytopia. There are certain things he does which, musically, are incredible and even occasionally haunting. I was quite enjoying Yeezus but then four things ruined it for me.

1. Autotune. I was aware that Kanye uses autotune. I’m not sure that anyone has ever pointed out that it is the most horrible sounding thing imaginable. I would guess that he uses it because he can’t actually sing. It must be pretty embarrassing to not be the best singer on your own record. Like seriously, it’s just so annoying and he uses it so much. I wonder if he ever actually listens to his own records?

2. Jumping from style to style. There are a couple of points where a song on this album will just shift entirely in style and won’t flow. I know that it’s probably trying to be quirky or cool or something like that, but music primarily is meant to be enjoyable. It’s not too enjoyable if it feels uncomfortable.

3. Kanye’s sense of self importance. I was aware from South Park and the claim that he is the next Nelson Mandela that Kanye thinks he is pretty much the most important person the the planet. There is a song on Yeezus called I am a god. The lyrics go “I am a god, I am a god, I am a god, I am a god.” In my opinion, delusions of grandeur are only cool when they are funny.

4. Misogynism. All of the above complaints pale into insignificance compared to the inherent misogyny on the album. I have no idea how many times the word “bitch” is said on this album. I estimate it to be roughly one metric fucktonne. The worst line is probably “one more fuck and I can own ya” which shows that Kanye values and respects women and sees them as a valuable human being in their own right. Oh wait, no, sorry. I think I got that wrong. I’m sure Kanye thinks he’s being a lyrical genius with lines such as “I’d rather be a dick than a swallower” but really it makes him just sound like an idiot.

Now there may be layers of meaning in his lyrics that I’m ignoring. He may well be trying to make cutting social commentary as one or two reviews claim but still, I can’t get past the fact that he just sounds moronic.

It is a little bit annoying really, because there is quite a bit that musically, I enjoy but really, I can’t listen to this album again for the above reasons. I’m not sure how so many critics and listeners can get past these things and rate the album so highly.

Apparently Midnight Memories by One Direction was the best selling album in the UK last year. I might have to tackle that next.

There goes my hero

Quite a while ago, I was conducting interviews at work and one of the questions I asked was “Who is your role model?”

I’m not entirely sure what I hoped to learn from this question. I had Googled “questions to ask interviewees” and taken the ones that I liked best.

The majority of people answered with one of their parents but one guy whose answer I remember said (and I’m paraphrasing): “you can’t have role models nowadays as they will more than likely let you down, look at Ryan Giggs.”

Recently I have been thinking a lot about this sort of thing. When I would describe someone as a role model, I’m generally thinking specifically of one element of their life which is known.

N.B. Nelson Mandela did not win the world cup.

A role model isn’t someone that I would want to be completely. There are two main reasons for this – firstly no-one is perfect and I aspire to be perfect but secondly, and most importantly, I don’t want to be an exact copy of someone else. I want to take elements of things that I like within many others and try to emulate them to become a big mishmash of all the people I admire.

One of the reasons I’ve been thinking about this are two of the biggest news stories recently. Firstly, the Ian Watkins conviction. Lostprophets were part of the first generation of bands that I just didn’t get, along with Funeral For a Friend. I had no idea why people liked them and I realised I would never be young and hip again.

I do know a lot of people who liked them and who feel that their experiences are somehow tainted by recent events. I am of the opinion that art should be separate from the artist and should be appreciated in it’s own right, although had a similar revelation been made about one of the bands that I worshiped in my youth, I can’t say that I wouldn’t feel the same way as Lostprophets fans now do.

The fact is that you can never know everything about someone that you aspire to be like. You probably will never know everything about your close family and friends so you will only ever scratch the surface of what you know about a celebrity that you admire.

The other reason that has got me thinking about this is the death of Nelson Mandela. In my opinion, he did more to further the progression of humanity than anyone is likely to do in my lifetime. Yet, early in his life he was effectively a terrorist. My personal opinion is that people should be given a chance to rehabilitate themselves and change for the better which clearly Mandela did. However, some people will point to his earlier life and use that to try to dissuade people from using him as a role model.

A while ago, there was a backlash from liberal music fans when there was the suggestion that Frank Turner was right wing. They couldn’t have the man who had been a cult hero having a different political leaning to their own. This – along with a few other reasons – has made me ashamed to be a liberal recently, but more of that another time.

There are people who idolise the Beatles and John Lennon yet he was a wife beater. I’m fairly sure most Beatles fans don’t advocate domestic abuse. I could probably find more examples like this if I tried and if I actually had any knowledge of who is famous these days. Obviously the big examples above are the ones that make the headlines there will almost certainly be no-one whose life you could look at and not find something you dislike about it, no matter how small.

When you have a role model, you are not saying that you want to be exactly like them. You aspire to be the best you can be, as perfect as possible. If you want to be exactly like someone else then you lose your individuality. You are saying that you admire what they have done or how they behave in one area of their life and in that element of their existence you want to be more like them.

Music sounds better without “vous”

A glance upon the charts of any non-English speaking nation will reveal a plethora of songs in the English language. Spain and France currently have 13 songs in English in their top 20s, Germany has 17. The UK chart currently has no songs not in it’s native language.

This seems like a big discrepancy. It can’t be that the majority of the best musicians in the world are English speaking. The UK haven’t won the Eurovision song contest since 1997. While this is often claimed to be a political contest rather than a musical one, and whilst the winners have often sung in English, it is a sign that musicians from non-English speaking countries are as good as those who speak English.

So why do we have so few foreign language songs in our charts? Psy’s Gangnam Style was the only non-English song in the top 100 singles of 2012 and it is one of those freak occurrences which occur every so often when the song is just so catchy that we can’t ignore it over here on our fair isle. Other examples are Macarena and La Bamba but these are so infrequent as to be largely irrelevant in the grand scheme of things.

The biggest foreign artists often sing in English to get biggest exposure. Bjork, Daft Punk and Kraftwerk (at times) have all taken to our language to get us to accept them as musicians. Why are we so averse to songs sung in a language we don’t understand?

English is spoken throughout the world. The cultural influence of both English music and films is so pervasive that it can be difficult to go anywhere in the world and not be able to survive speaking only English.

Whether it is a sense of self-importance, the difficulty of learning other languages or just a reluctance to learn one when it isn’t necessary, the English-speaking world is largely mono-lingual.

The art that we accept into our culture is therefore an extension of this. We will send our blockbuster movies abroad but will rarely see many world cinema films in our cinemas. We will send our music overseas but except for the odd dance hit, rarely embrace any songs when we can’t understand what the musician is singing about.

Rammstein are a notable exception. They are successful outside Germany partly because the German language actually suits their style of music better than English. The metal band benefit from the harsh sounds of German complimenting their heavy bassy guitar sounds and they have probably been more successful than had they sung in English. Try translating and singing ‘Du Hast Mich’ to get an idea of why this might be.

A similar argument could be put for why Sigur Ros have gained popularity in this country as their post-rock melodies are very much suited to singing in their mix of Icelandic and Hopelandic. These can be seen more as exceptions that prove the rule rather than a sign of change.

It does seem to be a modern phenomena. Opera is sung largely in Italian, Russian, French, German as well as English. Foreign language operas are still extremely popular today and form the bulk of the operatic cannon. This is perhaps a historic legacy which would not occur if opera first gained popularity in modern society. There may also be elements of class difference as the audience for opera is generally middle/upper class whereas pop music is predominantly aimed at the lower/middle classes.

The size of the music industries in the UK and USA must be part of the contributing reason for this. There is a larger budget pumped into them which in turn could produce higher quality musicians.

The artist’s desire for success and attempting to reach the largest audience will be another factor. To gain the largest exposure, it makes sense to sing in the language that the largest number of people can understand. This is and probably will be for a long time English and hence the biggest commercial musicians are likely to sing in English.

Guy Fawkes versus Russell Brand

I love traditions. I love the fact that everyone is doing the same thing and having fun together. Quite a lot of the time, the meaning is lost or forgotten or – mainly for children – unknown.

Kids just know that sometime in February they get pancakes, in March/April they get chocolate eggs, in October they dress up scary, in November there are fireworks and in December they get presents. I don’t actually think that’s a bad thing. I’m quite happy for traditions to continue as long as they are fun and don’t hurt people.

The other day, though, as I was going “ooh” and “aah” I was thinking about Guy Fawkes and Russell Brand. I imagine everyone watching fireworks that night must have made the same connection but for anyone who missed it, this was my line of thought.

Guy Fawkes was a dissident. He was part of a group with a specific goal, definite plans and very well co-ordinated. He wanted to overthrow the ruling power (King James) and replace them with another (Princess Elizabeth).

Russell Brand is a dissident. He is part of no group, has no specific goal, no definite plans and is not co-ordinated in any way.

I feel that in telling people not to vote, Brand is actually a danger to society. The people that Brand is telling not to vote are more likely to be the middle ground voters – and by that I mean the non-extremists. The extremes are the ones who are almost guaranteed to turn out and vote regardless of anything else. The Ukips and the BNPs, the Greens and the Socialists.

By encouraging people to not vote, the number of votes required for one of these parties to get in is therefore reduced and we have seen numbers of these gain seats over the recent years.

Brand’s solution may actually condemn us Nazi-ism and we don’t have an Indiana Jones around to save us this time. Thanks, Russell.

What he should be doing, is encouraging people to vote for the least bad option whilst he figures out his grand plans for an alternative system. However, I doubt that any system will be forthcoming, at least in my life time. Other systems have been tried in the past 100 years – communism, dictatorships – but have been fought down by the good old Western democracies.

Brand’s solution is to make the ruling power work for the people better and provide a more egalitarian system. Democracy is currently the best solution for this. The only logical way to take this further that I have been able to think of since watching his interview with Paxman is to have all decisions made by all of the people.

Give everyone little yes/no/abstain buzzers in their homes, linked up to the TV set and pop up exciting questions such as Should abortion be legal?, Should we invade Syria? and Should we stop all of the foreigns coming in? and I’m sure you’ll get lots of interaction and popular consensus. Good luck getting decisions made about sewers or tax though.

Me, I prefer to leave the power in the hands of the people who spend their whole working lives thinking about these problems and working towards solutions together. Sure, some of them might be complete idiots, whack jobs or repulsive people. That’s why there’s 600-odd of them, to try and have a consensus between the people we elect to represent us.

Whilst I have a lot of faith in my fellow citizens, I’m sure not all of them are educated enough on Israel/Palestine, the NHS and the school system among other things to be able to make important informed choices. Leave it up to the people who train to do this, even if they are complete douches.

We need to learn from our history. Our government is the result of years of trial and error at different systems and this is the one that the majority believe works best. When you think about it, compared to other situations in the world right now (Zimbabwe, North Korea) and those in the past (Nazis, McCarthyism) the current system isn’t too bad really.

Notes:

1. I would vote Green if they fielded a candidate in my area. I am aware that the word extreme might seem odd in this context but they are one of the more left-field parties.

2. Robert Webb wrote a much better response to Brand which is here but I have been needing to get this out for a while.

3. I was going to do an amazing Photoshop of Brand wearing a Guy Fawkes mask but a) I left it too late and have to go to work, b) I don’t have Photoshop, c) I’m not good at Photoshop and d) the internet has a picture of him wearing one from the Million Mask March.

Elliott, man, you played a fine guitar

“The songs you wrote got me through a lot, just want to tell you that but it’s too late”
– Ben Folds, Late

It was ten years ago tomorrow that Elliott Smith died.

I’m not one to generally get upset about the deaths of celebrities. I think it’s probably because I don’t tend to buy into the cult of celebrity. However, with the few that I really feel a connection to, their deaths hit me hard. None has hit me harder than when Elliott died.

I first got into his music from a recommendation from someone on an internet message board. At the time, he was pretty much unknown in Britain and I had to ask Our Price to specifically order the Either/Or CD in for me. Two weeks later, it turned up and I went to collect it. I was hooked from the moment I put it into my CD player.

The music is stunning, the vocal style is unique and enticing, and there is no sense of self-importance. I think that is why I felt more of a connection than most other musicians.

I was lucky enough to see him live twice. The first time he walked up to the front of the stage and waved to the crowd and then went to the back of the stage all shy. You can tell from watching interviews with him that he is just a regular guy who accidentally got famous from doing something that he loves doing and felt awkward with some of the situations he found himself in.

Elliott got perform at the Oscars due to Miss Misery being on the Good Will Hunting soundtrack. I think the fact that he thought he needed to dress up in a suit is brilliant. It just shows how real he was. He had no sense of image and thought that if you are going to a big important ceremony that you have to dress up for it.

When seeing him live, I was shocked by much he rocked. While his records are largely acoustic, he would often use an electric guitar in live shows which could give the songs a much different feel. Compare the live version of Needle In The Hay at the start of this video to the album version for an example.

There are some brilliantly cute lyrics (Say Yes) and some amazingly vindictive (Roman Candle) yet all sung in the same tones and with the same amount of emotion. One of the things that randomly really got to me was the way that he could make swearing beautiful. There are numerous swears in his songs but all in a whispered beautiful tone.

I was very jealous of his guitar playing. I was playing in a band when I got into his music and I struggled to get anywhere close to being able to play what he played. He is technically great (even though he doesn’t always seem to know what chords are called) and in my opinion vastly underrated as a guitarist.

I remember I was in bed when I found out that Elliott had died. This is in the days before laptops and internet on phones so I am assuming that I found out through a text from my friend Richard who I shared similar music tastes to.

I remember feeling gutted and lost but to be honest I can’t remember much else. My memories of that era are starting to fade.

Thinking back now and watching videos I am feeling a deep sense of loss. It might be partly as a result of my hangover but I’m in a very emotional state and I just wish I could have gone to give him a big hug.

“I’m never gonna know you know but I’m gonna love you anyhow.” – Waltz #2 (XO)

The more I think about it, the more the ending to Dexter sucks

SPOILER ALERT: This is about the final episode of the TV show Dexter. If you don’t want to know what happened, don’t read. Although if you don’t know and read, to be honest, you’ll probably be only be as disappointed as if you’d watched it anyway.

Here is a picture of Dexter before I actually start ranting, just to give people time to read that spoiler alert.

There. Now that’s out of the way, on with the rant.

I have been into Dexter for a while. I think it was around season 3 was on TV when someone lent me a DVD of the first season and told me that I’d like it. I did and I caught up quite quickly.

It was brilliant. The idea was amazing – a forensic analyst who is a compulsive serial killer, therefore able to cover his tracks perfectly and who only kills the bad guys.

The show had a couple of brilliant season. The first one and the one with John Lithgow as the Trinity killer stand out. It also had some amazing bits in the others.

Since it was announced that they were going to end the show a couple of years ago, I have watched the last three seasons with Bass and Natalie as companions. Since that point the writers had always known how it was going to end, according to interviews.

Since that point, we had been debating how it was going to end. In my mind, there was one of two ways it could finish:

1. Dexter is dead.

2. Dexter is imprisoned.

Any other way, then there is not a resolution. If Dexter is alive and at large, we still assume that he has the killer instinct – the dark passenger which he hasn’t actually spoken about for a few years – and therefore it is not an ending. There could still be more. Why it would end any other way, I don’t know.

The last couple of seasons leading up to this, have actually been a bit lackluster. Deb finding out about Dexter’s true nature should have been the beginning of the end. As it was, it was dragged out, she thought she was in love with him, she got a different job, she tried to confess. Some of these things were good. Some of them were dull.

Deb finding out about Dexter should have been cataclysmic. It should have sent the show on a spiral towards one of the two endings that I have suggested.

Instead, they faffed around in season 8 by bringing in a bunch of new characters.

Dr Vogel who was insanely annoying was supposed to have been the one that came up with Dexter’s code (that he only kills the baddies). She was weak. Buying into her being his inspiration all along was nigh on impossible.

Her son was better and ultimately a bit more like some previous villains, but he was no Trinity or Ice Truck Killer and to have him be the one that finally brought Dexter down was a rubbish way of doing it. Much better would have been to have Deb be the one responsible for his demise in one way or the other.

Zach was the best character they introduced. He was like a mini Dexter and one way of ending the show could have been to have Dexter train him and have Zach take over his legacy. But they killed him off after a few episodes.

Masouka’s daughter…. well what the hell was that point in her? She added absolutely nothing to the story. Dead weight.

Still, even with all of this faffing and the weak storyline, I could have bought the ending if it hadn’t been for the last 30 seconds.

The ending prior to this was at least sort of consistent with the rest of the season. Dexter has become a bit more emotional, felt guilty about what he’d done to those around him, especially Deb and then he becomes the cause of the reason she will be a vegetable for the rest of her life and so decides to do what he knows and killer her and bury her at sea. He then gets caught up in a storm and you see his shipwreck. Scene.

At least that is reasonably consistent and gives us an resolution. But no. We’re not allowed one. Fade in and we see Dexter is a lumberjack.

What?

What the Bon Jovi am I supposed to think about that?

He is still alive. Surely he’s still a killer? Surely there’s still more I need to know about him?

THAT IS NOT AN ENDING, SHOWTIME. THAT IS A NEW BEGINNING.

In the few weeks that have passed since I watched the final episode, the anger has been festering and I have felt the need to get it out.

It might have been made worse by the fact that I watched the final episode the day before I watched the final Breaking Bad which ended perfectly and true to the entire 5 seasons.

I should have been prepared based on the fact that the last few seasons have been a bit sub-par but I was at least hopeful for closure. Apparently I’m not allowed it. Well, screw you, Showtime! I’m not watching any more of your shows!

Bucket List Item 28: Win a fortune in Vegas

I’ve not done any bloggenings in a while. This is partly because most of my waking time was spent catching up on Breaking Bad and partly because I have recently been on holiday for two weeks.

We went to America which, until a little while ago, I had no real desire to visit. When I go on holiday, I have generally chosen to go places that are significantly culturally different to England. However, when I traveled the Trans-Mongolian railway three years, I discovered a fondness for the journey as well as the destination. This is probably partly why I did a road trip round England earlier this year, and is also why I have added driving across America to my bucket list.

So when Natalie suggested a trip to Vegas and then Florida, I was much more amenable to the idea than I would have been before. Then adding in all the potential fun stuff we could get up to with a group of some of my favourite people, it seemed like a great holiday. And it was. I’m not going to bore you with all the details of all the amazing things we did. I’m not sure you could handle the jealousy.

What I wanted to talk about was the item on my bucket list – “Win a fortune in Vegas.”

My plan was simple:

1. Go to Vegas.
2. Make a fortune.
3. Marry a stripper.
4. Live happily ever after.

What could possibly go wrong? Other than the fact that apparently I couldn’t legally get married in Vegas due to needing to fill out application forms or something first. The documentary “What Happens in Vegas” that I watched on the plane didn’t point out this problem. I think they must have edited it out for dramatic effect.

And other than the fact that all casino games are stacked in the house’s favour. I’ve done mathematical calculations to try to work out a foolproof way of winning money, but obviously there aren’t any. Casinos much surely employ mathematicians to ensure that there are no loopholes and fix them before they lose too much money.

I thought I had an awesome way of winning at craps but it turns out I’d miscalculated. Sometimes I’m ashamed of my accountant skills or lack thereof.

Needless to say, I didn’t get further than step one of my amazing plan.

I did have a great time though. We played mainly video poker or blackjack, but it’s where you are playing with other players at tables which I find a lot more exciting. Me and Adam started to play a bit of craps which is one of the most sociable games and is pretty good fun. Admittedly most of the time we spent trying to work out what was going on but it was enjoyable nonetheless.

My conclusion from my visit to Vegas is that if you want to win money at gambling, you need to do it against other players, so poker is probably the way forward. You’re not playing the house but some human opponents and as such, if you can gain the psychological advantage over your opponent then you will win more times than you will lose.

I was going to enter a poker tournament but didn’t in the end. I definitely could have spent longer there. My friends were thinking of going to a club where women got in free but men had to pay for entry which I objected to on moral grounds (possibly more on that in another blog sometime) and when they were going to, I was going to find a reasonably priced poker tournament to join, however they didn’t end up going.

We did lots of fun things when we were in Vegas. If you are going to go, I would recommend taking a helicopter over the Grand Canyon, catching Penn and Teller at the Rio and spending some time in Freemont Street which I preferred to the Strip as it is quainter and quirkier, as well as taking a trip to the Neon Boneyard and the Mob Museum, as well as a shooting range.

Bucket list Item complete: 25 – Fire a Shotgun

Me firing a shotgun

I have wanted to shoot a shotgun for a while. Mainly to prepare myself for the zombie apocalypse.

Shotguns, as I have learnt from video games, are extremely powerful weapons that make big holes in bad guys and produce a lot of awesome gory effects.

The hole I made in the zombie

We went to a shooting range called The Gun Store and we’d found vouchers in some of the free information booklets that you can find in various places. They had a selection of pre-made packages but me and Adam both wanted to feel like James Bond and shoot some zombies, so we opted to create our own package of a handgun – I think it was a 1911 – and a shotgun. This option I think cost $70 (around £44).

The instructors were really helpful and encouraging and we all had a great time. The position you need to get into to shoot a gun isn’t something I’d ever considered before. You have to stand legs apart and lean slightly forward for a handgun and put the shotgun against your shoulder and put your face up to the side. If you don’t do this, you can injure yourself from the recoil.

In movies they definitely don’t do this. The hold it in the coolest way possible. Which is definitely impractical for actual usage. At least as far as I can tell from shooting five shells.

I’m clearly no expert and there’s probably some special kind of shotgun which allows you to fire it any which way you choose. I don’t care. I fired a freaking shotgun.