Category: bass

My groomsdudes: #3 the Sherlock to my Watson

I first met Bass sometime at secondary school. I forget exactly when. We were in the same year group but not the same form, so I think it was a while before our paths crossed. It was in media studies where our friendship started to bloom, with Bass enjoying lecturing me about films.

I’ve used a bit of artistic licence there. I can’t remember that far back at my age. I’m just assuming that he lectured me about films as that’s one of his favourite past times. He even does it professionally. Like, really for real cash money and stuff. It’s crazy. Along with our friend Luke, he produces the weekly Story Toolkit podcast.

It is genuinely really quite good if you have any interest in story writing, stories or listening to Bass rant about the recent Star Trek films. I often listen to it on the bus and it’s like Bass is sat next to me ranting about a film we have just watched, only it is even more difficult for me participate in the conversation than usual.

We started to become closer when I accidentally helped to set up a football team for the first time (a story for another day). Bass and myself will probably both admit that we were two of the weakest players on the team. As such, we got placed at full back – Bass at left-back and me at right back – for the majority of the time we played for the team. As far out of the way of danger as possible, yet still involved enough to feel that we were part of the team. I think this gave us some sort of full back bond. I still recall Alex McNeice attempting to explain a sliding tackle to Bass.

Whilst we have a lot in common and enjoy doing many things together, many of my fondest memories of Bass revolve around board games. We became really close when I started living on my own. He would often get me involved when he was arranging a gaming session which I really appreciated as too often, I would just be spending time at my flat on my own feeling isolated. He would introduce me to both new people and new games and I am grateful for both of these things.

 

One memory that I will never forget is when I got one over on him playing the Battlestar Galactica board game. I was secretly a cylon, which are the bad guys, and Bass was a human. I saw his secret mission card which said that he had to get a certain number of enemy ships surrounding the Galactica otherwise he would fail his mission and as a result, all of the human players would lose.

 

Seeing this, I started freely sending ships to attack the Galactica. The other players rightly got outraged, until I called on Bass to stand up for me because I knew what his secret mission was. He vouched for me and was 100% sure that I was human. The moment when I later revealed that I was a cylon and I had mind-mastered him all along was one of my greatest board game moments of all time.

 

Bass once showed me a video of the Shut Up and Sit Down review of Sherlock Holmes Consulting Detective. We are both big Sherlock fans and he has bought me several copies of the Conan Doyle stories, including one really beautiful version for Christmas last year. I have also bought him Sherlock themed gifts, including a deerstalker, a toy pipe and a magnifying glass. Upon seeing the video, I knew we had to play this game.

 

Consulting Detective was out of print and I searched for ages until I managed to find a second hand copy of the original printing which wasn’t on sale for a million pounds. There are lots of typographical issues, including some that send you to the wrong location in the game and might mean you miss an important clue. We loved the game nevertheless.

 

We were, also, quite shockingly poor at it. Like, really really poor. If we were actual detectives, we’re have been busted down to traffic duty within a week. We would often score negative points. There was one time when we played against a real life detective in the hopes that he’s struggle as well and we could feel better about how bad we were. He utterly destroyed us. Bass wrote about it here and it is quite an amusing read, including me having to try to convince him that his midget assassin theory is quite ridiculous.

Despite how poor we are at detectiving, Bass is and always be the Holmes to my Watson. He will be performing MC duties at our wedding and I’m hoping that he busts out some phat rhymes or whatever the kids say these days. That’s what MCs do, right? Although, I’m also hoping he doesn’t do a mic drop as I think we have to pay for any damages.
 

The Case of the Mysterious Telegram

Starring:

Bassim El-Wakil as Sherlock Holmes
Stewart Cork as Doctor Watson

from the diary of Doctor John Watson MD


Thursday April 9th, 2015

It was when I was partaking in my sandwiches in the canteen at luncheon that I received a telegram from Holmes:

Holmes cryptic commands
The knocker on which I knocked thrice

This message  puzzled me. Why would Holmes ask me to check on his house without leaving me a key to do so? Surely this couldn’t have been an oversight on his behalf. And why would he command me to deduce? Something was afoot! I wondered if perhaps he had been kidnapped and that this cryptic message was a clue to help me find and rescue him.

Then I realised he probably knew that I would set off the alarm and not have any idea about how to switch it off, This would be why there was no key. But something about the telegram still troubled me. Something didn’t quite seem right. I must venture to his residence and check immediately!

My cunning disguise

I arrived at Holmes’ abode and strode up to the door and knocked on the knocker not once, not twice but thrice. From the lack of answer I managed to deduce that no one was home. Curious!

Walking around the side of the house, I discovered that Holmes’ carriage was there. I know from experience that Holmes is lazy and wouldn’t go to Ireland by foot which made me more suspicious.

I found a comfortable secluded spot to sit and watch the house and donned a disguise and hid from sight. Nothing happened so I went home to dinner.

Not a clue

I noticed upon leaving the gardens of Holmes’ abodethat the house next door was called Oakhurst only the U was a V.

Was this a further clue from Sherlock Holmes to test my deductive powers. Had he somehow managed to alter the letter?

V in roman numerals is five – was he away for five days? But he had advised he would be back Sunday which was only four days away.

It struck me that the residences around Holmes’ were rather old. This was not in fact a clue but was a sign created before they invented spelling. Drat! I shall return tomorrow to continue my investigation.

Friday April 10th 2015

Holmes’ first clue: Nemo

Having had no further communications from Holmes despite my telegram to tell him that his house still existed, I set out to his home in search of further clues.

I concluded that there must be a mystery waiting to be solved, for without leaving me his keys, Holmes had basically asked me to go and look at his house. Why would he ask me to do that if there wasn’t something for me to see there? And the use of the word “mind” in his telegram… surely that suggested he wanted me to use my mind to deduce something. But what?

Me puzzling until my puzzler was sore.

I stumbled upon a clue that Holmes had subtly left me which I had not noticed upon on my first visit. Perhaps I had previously been caught up in taking him at his word and I had literally just trying to check that “all is good.”

The first clue I found was hidden in a little plant pot. A little clown fish. As any child will tell you, these are more commonly known as a Nemo, which is derived from from the popular moving picture, Finding Nemo. Aha! Holmes wanted me to find him! He was Nemo! I was onto something. But I needed more to go on.

Donning my cunning disguise, I waited to see if anything would happen. As it was a windy day, some leaves blew about but there was nothing suspicious.

I puzzled and puzzled and then I puzzled some more. I puzzled and puzzled ’til my puzzler was sore but sadly I made no progress in my investigation.

Instead of worrying about it, I went to the local public house to see if I could lubricate my brain in any way.

Saturday April 11th 2015

I lubricated my brain sufficiently, however my powers of deduction were unfortunately not increased. In fact, this morning, they appear to be slightly worsened. I can only conclude that this must be the effect of ageing, but at an unprecedented speed. Perhaps there was some mysterious toxins in the air which made anyone age rapidly. Perhaps Holmes had somehow been turned into an old man and was calling for help? Ah, no, wait. Alcohol gives you hangovers. I must remember that one in future.


I had set up a cunning trap the preceding day. I had a small blue skull to return to Holmes from a board game and so put this in an envelope addressed to him and put it through the door, however only pushing it through part of the way so that it was still possible to see it through the letterbox.

When I returned this morning, I discovered that my envelope was still hanging in the letterbox and thus there had been no one in to collect it and also no post this morning.

Had Holmes abandoned his house and diverted his post? This seemed like it might be the case. Otherwise, surely there would have been a barrage of communication requesting his assistance in cases, or at the very least, the paperboy would surely have delivered his copy of The Times.

I discovered a plate with Aladin, Jasmine and the genie on it. Was this a sign from Holmes? I wondered if he had been taken off on a magic carpet ride. Ah, magic carpets are but in the realm of fantasy. This could not have happened. He must instead be referring to the song – A Whole New World. The new world, as we know, is a term for America and Holmes had recently mentioned a desire to visit LA. Perhaps that is where he was? But why would he say he’s in Ireland?

Then I recalled – Holmes had been exasperated that everyone hadn’t realised he was in LA last week. So he has just returned from there, I deduced! This is a clue about where he has been, but what about where he currently is? I struggled with this conundrum but made no progress and instead went to get my eyes test.

Sunday April 12th 2015

Aha! I have solved Holmes’ cunning riddle! He has gone to Ireland for the wedding of his sister! I deduced this because he told me it in the car the other day! It was all a cunning double bluff rouse. Holmes is such a cheeky scamp! Fortunately he is home, alive and well and back ready to solve crimes. He has confirmed to me that the wedding was “great” is as unimpressed as ever at my lack of detective skills.

Bucket list item #16 : Win a gold medal at the Lukelympics

Once every two years, the world’s elite athletes descend on Folkestone’s East Cliff to compete in some of the most dangerous and extreme sporting events known to man.

The event is so top secret, even Sky Sports don’t know about it and what video footage and photographs are available after the event are usually taken on camera phones by competitors or the few fans lucky enough to gain access to this exclusive event.

For my friend Luke (known henceforth as The Committee)’s birthday, we form ourselves into loose collectives based on some vague theme and argue amongst ourselves about who is the best horse or who is the best at running blindfolded and then send forth our gladiators into the arena.

This year was the fourth edition of the games and only the second which I had been able to attend in full. I formed a team of the best athletes I know and Bass who then argued for about three days as to what our team name would be. Eventually settling on “It’s my birthday” so Bass could make endless jokes when Luke read out our team name, we made our way to the arena complete with party hats and blowers.

After Bass’s blindfold fencing style – which largely resembled attempting to play cricket and then rolling on the floor – earned us a silver medal in the first event, it looked like we were on for a good day.

I didn’t compete until the Four Legged Hurdles event when me, Lisa and Natalie felt confident after literally minutes of training. Despite even giving hints to our opponents in the heat (two thirds of whom hadn’t yet reached their eleventh birthday) we mercilessly beat them with our athletic prowess.

In the final, we went up against Team Gin B who had a couple of McNeices as ringers on their side. We were less confident but after going neck and neck down the first straight we took them at the turn before getting over excited and almost losing our rhythm as we stormed home to victory to set the world record of 38.03 seconds.

We managed to hold back the tears during the medal ceremony but our joy was evident. We also learnt a valuable lesson: don’t let Bass play. This was reinforced when during the Piggyback Equestrianism event he did 5 of the set moves rather than the three which he was supposed to do. He’s a loose cannon.

I had considered not entering any more events to maintain a 100% winning record but I felt I owed it to the team to try to win more for us. Unfortunately it was not to be. In the Blindfold Biathalon underhanded instructions shouted from a rival team member (don’t worry, Katie, I won’t tell anyone it was you) lost us valuable seconds and in the Water Balloon Shot Put, it turns out that I don’t know my own strength and I crushed a balloon in my bare hands before launching it down the course.

Despite the fact that our team finished last overall, we were the smallest nation entering and I feel we can be proud of our performance. We now have two years to get in training for the next one to build on what we have accomplished.

Stewart’s cork

Yesterday, my friend Bass pointed out that I had incorrectly used Occam’s razor in my post outlining my reasons for being an atheist.

Occam’s razor, as defined by the only reputable source of information, Wikipedia, states:

“that one should proceed to simpler theories until simplicity can be traded for greater explanatory power. The simplest available theory need not be most accurate.”

Bass pointed out that my use of the razor was therefore incorrect because I used it to pick the hypothesis that the universe just exists over the competing hypothesis “the universe just exists because God just exists”. The second of these hypothesis has a greater explanatory power as it explains why the universe just exists.

I have therefore come up with my own philosophical principle which I have termed “Stewart’s cork.”

This principle basically does what I wanted Occam’s razor to do which it wasn’t designed to do. It basically stops arguments from going on and on and on ad infinitum.

For example, where we have said the universe exists because God just exists, we could then ask why God exists and from there get a response along the lines of “Well, when mummy God and daddy God love each other very much….”

We could then ask how mummy and daddy God exist and so on and so on. Stewart’s cork basically says: “Put a cork in it. Let’s stop there.”

There is an implied “BOOM!” at the end of that statement but it is optional and can be added depending on the context and likely reception of the statement.

So when we look at our competing theories on why the universe just exists, we can see that the second could go on and on so we put a cork in it and stop the infinite regression.

It is the equivalent of stopping a child going “whhyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?” a lot by saying “just because.”

The principle has many other uses outside of just finding a way around Bass’s pedantic arguing. For example:

  • Assigning blame when two children are fighting.

    Let’s assume two random children named Dan and Luke are fighting and we want to punish the one who started it. We can imagine an argument that goes something along the lines of:

    “He punched me!”
    “He stole my concealer!”
    “He hid all my make up!” etcetera.

    Stewart’s cork says: “put a cork in it. You threw the first punch. It’s your fault. BOOM!”

  • Explaining history

    I remember when I was at school and we had to learn all the reasons for why the First World War started. Obviously, as it was something I was forced to learn, I can’t remember a single thing about it now, so I’ve had to look it up.

    The causes are as follows:
    Austria-Hungary declared war against Serbia
    because of the July crisis
    because Archduke Franz Ferdinand was assassinated
    because of the conflicts and hostility in the preceding four decades
    because of militarism, alliances….

    What this debate really needs is for someone to butt in and say: “Put a cork in it. Austria-Hungary are to blame. They declared war. Without that there might not have been a war. BOOM!”

    History sorted.

  • Mathematics

    Pi is an exceptionally long number. In fact, it is so long that its decimal representation never ends and it never settles into a repeating pattern. In short, no-one will ever know what it is. You could start saying that it’s 3.14159… but what you really want to do is put a cork in that bad boy straight away and just say pi is 3. No point in learning much more than that when you’re never going to know the exact number.

    If you really, really insist I might allow you to call it 3.1 in exceptional circumstances like if you’re an architect or a brain surgeon or are Santa or some other profession that requires exact measurements.

These are just some of the many possible uses of Stewart’s cork. Please share this amazing breakthrough in thinking with all of your friends. Thanks in advance.

P.S. Fuck you, Bass.