I’ve never been able to work out exactly why I wanted to go to Hadrian’s Wall. I’ve wanted to since I was very little. My best guess would be that it seemed like such a preposterously long way to a small child that it would feel like going to the end of the world.
As a grown up who realises that it is less than 400 miles away and who has been on flights that have taken him much further than that, that logic no longer holds up.For some reason I did still want to go, hence why it was on my bucket list.
I booked a week off work and decide to plot a list of other places that I wanted to go and see on the way as it’s quite a long way to drive just to go and look at a ruined wall.
Darwin
First up was Down House in North Kent. I’ve intended to go here several times before as I get free entry being an English Heritage member but have never got round to actually going and this seemed like the perfect opportunity. I got greeted at the door by a woman who was exceptionally excited that a “young person” was a member. I was excited that she thought I qualified as a young person.
The house itself gave a reasonable overview of Darwin’s life on the top floor and the lower floor was preserved as it would have been when he used it. The things that stood out to me – aside from the fact that David Attenborough did the audio guide which was exceptionally cool – were how normal a person Darwin seemed to have been.
He was not an outstanding student, getting decidedly average grades and he seemed to have a great sense of fun, often playing backgammon or billiards with his butler to help him forget about his work.
He also had a kick-ass beard, unlike I was told when I did a sketch of him in school which I was marked down for. As you can tell, I’m still a bit annoyed about that.
Dahl
Next up was a stop in Great Missenden to the see the Roald Dahl Museum and Story Centre. Dahl is a bit of a hero of mine as I wrote last September. Since then, I have read through all of his books that I previously hadn’t read and this was one of the things I was most excited about on my trip.
When I turned up, it was obvious that the museum was aimed at children and I was a bit worried that there would be a repeat of the Great Radnor Park Fair incident (see footnote 1).
Fortunately this didn’t happen and the people on the desk were exceptionally nice and just explained to me the route around the museum.
Some of the information in the museum was a bit repetitive, telling us about a few events from Dahl’s life on more than one occasion. Quite a lot of it was taken straight from Boy, so I had already read a lot of it before. This still didn’t hamper my enjoyment of the whole place which, whilst set up for children, was still very magical.
The coolest bit was that they had moved the hut that Dahl did almost all of his writing in from his old house into a museum and preserved it in exactly the state he left it in. It was great to see the seemingly random environment in which he worked. On closer inspection, everything seemed to be set up to be exactly where it needed to be to allow him to write without having to leave his chair.
I found it interesting that both Dahl and Darwin preferred not to write at a desk but at an armchair with a board across their lap. Dahl was also not an exceptional student and it seemed weird that these two geniuses in different fields had similarities in their background. Or maybe I was just reading too much into a couple of coincidences.
They have a height chart on the wall of one of the rooms which allows you to compare yourself in height to many of his characters. This is a simple but brilliantly enjoyable idea. I discovered that I’m the same height as the Vicar of Nibbleswicke which is a little bit shorter than Mrs Twit but slightly taller than Willy Wonka.
After leaving the museum I wandered around the town looking at items that were seemingly inspiration for characters, events or locations in his work. These weren’t overly exciting, although heading out to his grave in the local churchyard was pretty cool. No-one else was there and I always like seeing cool things when no-one else is around. There are two BFG’s footprints leading to the grave which is just such an admirably cute thing to do that it made me want to visit more famous people’s graves.
I then attempted to make my way from there to the nearby motel I was staying at in an attempt to get there in time for the FA Cup Final. I managed to get very lost. There were two main reasons for this. The first is that I had been over-reliant on the sat nav on my phone to get this far and the battery was dying. The second is that I decided then to write down directions so I would be able to find the place even with my phone off. However, I got directions to the wrong place.
This is basically an indication of how good my sense of direction is. Fortunately I managed to use the last drips of my phone battery to get the correct location, directions there and somehow stumble upon it before my phone completely conked it.
I then sat watching the FA Cup final, drinking Monster and eating crisps in a room smaller than most student halls just because it was ridiculously cheap. I know how to live the high life.
From this point onwards, I made sure to write down all the directions the night before and also attempt to memorise the route. This is a life lesson I hope I never forget.
Sherwood Forest
The following morning I got up expecting to have a nice fry up at the motel only to discover that they didn’t start serving until 10am on a Sunday. I couldn’t be bothered to sit around for 2 or so hours to wait so made a move towards my destination for the day and grabbed some over-priced service station food on the way.
I had put the day aside to visit Sherwood Forest. I expected to be able to do archery, fight Little John on a bridge and attempt to win the hand of Maid Marian.
My visit got off to a good start, with a robin greeting me on arrival. I took this as a sign and followed him until he disappeared into a random bush. At that point, I thought it would be a bit weird.
I then saw a sign for a combat performance by the Oakland Outlaws happening in quarter of an hour by the Great Oak which happened to be quarter of an hour away by foot. Now, if you find out that a combat re-enactment is happening in 15 minutes time 15 minutes away from you and you don’t decide instantly to go then you’re probably not human. Or a pacifist. Possibly even a non-human pacifist.
The performance started with the Sheriff of Nottingham asking if anyone wanted to attempt to win a captured Maid Marian’s hand in marriage. Perfect, I thought! The perfect opportunity!
There was a lot of children watching the performance and I didn’t want to spoil it for them so I let Robin Hood be the one to speak up. He knew that I couldn’t have beaten him for he hand, though. I could tell by the way the rest of his performance was poor.
In fact, the whole thing was disappointingly poor. The acting was poor, they followed an illogical and seemingly random plot line with Marian fighting Will Scarlet for some unknown reason. I was quite disappointed really.
Later on, I saw a masked figure marching through the woodland towards me. Had I not seen the character in the performance already, I would have properly pooped my pants there and then.
Overall, the forest wasn’t terribly exciting but it was free and quite pretty in places.
The hotel for the evening was in Leeds. I asked them at the desk if they were serving dinner and got a positive response which excited me. I then got confused by meal system and constantly thought I was going to get told off. I managed to get tangled up in a touring party and was sitting in the wrong place and wasn’t sure what I was allowed to have. In the end I ate too much as I was given the choice of three courses or no courses
Jorvik Viking Centre and other attractions
The following day was spent entirely in York. I had been told by many people that it was a lovely city and it had another thing I had wanted to see since I was in school, the Jorvik Viking Centre.
When I studied Vikings in primary school, I thought they were amazing. Big bearded men with cool hats doing whatever they liked. As I grew older, I started to disapprove of the raping and pillaging part of their culture, but I was still fascinated by their beards and hats. Which is possibly part of the reason I sport a beard myself. That and to hide my bum-chin.
I seem to remember asking my mum if we could go to the Viking centre in York and getting some sort of answer that placated me whilst at the same time she thought “it’s 600 miles away. We’ll just take him to the sea and pretend that one of the boats is a Viking ship.” Or this may have entirely been a fabrication in my head. I’m not sure which.
Anyway, as a Grown Up, I am able to decide to go to these sorts of places if I want to! So I did.
Now, I’m not going to lie, my favourite part of the whole museum was the fact that they had a Viking poo and I’ve pretty much forgotten everything else they had there. I do remember it being an enjoyable experience and that some of the characters in costume have a lot of patience to deal with wave after wave of schoolchildren all day long. I also remember that the last Viking king was called Eric Bloodaxe which is a ridiculously cool name and I immediately texted my friend who was about to become a father for the first time to insist that he called his child that.
There were three other attractions linked to the Viking centre and I managed to make it to two of them. The first was called Dig which is basically an interactive archaeology lesson. The guy at the Viking Centre booked me a timeslot for the tour without telling me that it was pretty much just based at kids. I turned up to Dig to discover that I was the only one booked on the tour. The nice chap there, Adam, was really cool and basically gave me a one-to-one archaeology lesson. I learnt a lot and it actually made me wish that I’d studied history further at school, although I think I was put off by my secondary school’s focus on the two World Wars and not all the cool stuff with knights and castles that I was interested in.
The other was Barley Hall which had an awesome Horrible Histories exhibition and I recommend if you get a chance. I bloody love Horrible Histories.
I also managed to make a quick stop at Clifford’s Tower, an English Heritage property which used to be part of York Castle. I bloody love castles.
As I drove further and further north, I noticed that there were more and more wind farms. I personally find them to be an attractive feature of the landscape. They are like the modern day version of a windmill. The fact that we don’t have them down in the south-east seems to be a bit of “not on my doorstep” snobbery which I don’t understand because they are both pretty and practical.
I also saw a pig farm for what I’m sure is the first time ever although I have been since informed that there is one near to my town.
I stayed at another motel which basically seemed to be a combination of a hostel and self-cleaning portaloos. The toilets freaked me out a bit. The first time I went in, I heard an “ahh” as if the person in the cubicle next to me had just let out a sigh of relief. When it happened a second and third time, I was a little freaked out by the fact that the toilet seemed to be upset at my presence.
Angel of the North
Before I left for my trip, I had asked in a Facebook what one thing people would recommend me not missing on my trip and I decided to try to incorporate as many as possible. One of these was the Angel of the North.
I had seen it on my drive into Newcastle but after doing a little research I discovered that you can park up and walk right up to it/her which I decided to do before setting out for the day.
I arrived there and as with Dahl’s grave, I was the only visitor which made it slightly more magical. It really is an iconic piece of art and is quite inspiring. I liked the artist’s reason for picking an angel which is “because no-one has seen one.” Something quite romantic about that, in a weird way.
Hadrian’s Wall
Then I moved on to what ostensibly was the purpose of my trip, to visit Hadrian’s Wall. I made several stops along the route, stopping at all the manned English Heritage properties and attempting to find a couple of unmanned places as well although they tended not to be as well signposted.
As I travelled from east to west, there was more of the wall available to see and I think I did it in the right direction. I had considered the other way but due to a few things being closed on certain days, this worked out better.
It was like a stripper teasing me by showing a bit more of what I wanted to see every few miles.
I’m not entirely sure what to say about the wall. It is largely still buried or where it has been excavated, it has often been stolen to use for use in other buildings. As such, it would do a very poor job of keeping the Scots at bay if we happened to go to way with them now.
I am glad I went but I was hoping for a bit more.
I am a fan of walls. I like them. They hold my roof in place and stop other people seeing me go to the toilet. However after seeing the Great Wall of China a few years ago, I guess Hadrian’s Wall was never going to be able to compete.
The best part of it was that aside from petrol costs, it was an entirely free day out due to my EH membership, as I managed to refuse every member of staff who inevitably tried to sell me a guidebook upon arrival.
There were a lot of Roman forts along the route all largely made in the same style and I could probably now draw that from memory. It would be a pretty bad drawing, mind, as my art skills are particularly limited.
I was also especially chuffed that I could recognise pieces of samian pottery which Adam from Dig had familiarised me with the previous day.
I ended my day with a visit to Carlisle castle and all I could think pretty much the whole time was that it smelt like kebab shop pizza. It had one of the freakiest areas that I’ve seen in any castle before with a long dark room with a barrel lit up at the opposite end and the sound of bats everywhere.
Bucket List item added: 48 : Climb Scafell Pike
The following day I had intended to spend in the Lake District climbing Scafell Pike. I don’t often fall foul of the doing something because it’s there logic, however mountains seem to be different. Last year I was visiting a friend in Bangor and we decided to climb Snowdon. I thought it would be nice to climb the highest mountain in England this year.
Unfortunately the day on which I had intended to do so, the weather was forecast to be 30 mph winds and heavy rain. Having struggled climbing up a couple of hills along the Hadrian’s Wall route, I thought it would be best to attempt it at a less dangerous and more pleasurable time, so I have added this to my bucket list.
Bucket List item completed – 45: Go on a random adventure with Dan Light
It so happened that Dan Light got in touch with my at this point to meet up with me. He’d previously been busy at a wedding and working but had always intended to join for part of my adventure From this point on, the trip was much less planned anyway as the only thing I had left that I definitely wanted to do was visit Cadbury World, so I arranged to meet up with Dan in Bournville the following day to go there and to plan the rest of our journey from then on.
Cadbury World
I had managed to avoid bad traffic previously except in Gateshead in rush hour and had foolishly assumed that I would never again in my life encounter any problems. I managed to get stuck in slow moving traffic on the M6 and then lost in Birmingham city centre, which ended up with me being two hours meeting Dan.
When I finally got there, Dan made friends with an 82 year old man called John who had given him a brief tour and history of the local area. We immediately went to Cadbury World as it was due to close in an hour’s time and I really really did not want to miss it. Fortunately, that was just the time for last entry and we got a good couple of hours wandering around the factory.
I was hoping but not expecting it to be like Willy Wonka’s factory which is my all time favourite film ever and will probably be so until I die.
I was not disappointed. In fact, I’d say it was even better than Wonka’s factory. I think Dan got a little bit annoyed at me singing “I’ve Got A Golden Ticket” over and over so some of the time I just sung it in my head.
I don’t really want to spoil the experience for anyone who might want to go themselves, as I found it to be a truly magical one.
I will say is that it is quirky in a similar way to Wonka’s which I really wasn’t expecting at all. I was thinking it would just be the tour of some chocolate making facilities but it was much much more of an experience. The chocolate making part of things was awesome as well. They don’t have Oompa Loompas but they do have machines which are actually incredible in how they work.
You aren’t allowed to take many photos there. I’m assuming they are worried about Slugworth getting hold of their secrets and copying their products.
Suffice to say, this was definitely the highlight of my trip. I would recommend it to anyone of any age.
Shakespeare
That evening we decided to stay in Stratford-upon-Avon and watch Hamlet at RSC. This allowed Dan first hand proof of how bad my navigational skills are as, using the GPS on my phone, I managed to lead us to the theatre’s warehouse in the middle of an industrial estate rather than the theatre itself in the town centre.
We managed to get there in time, drank some ridiculously expensive wine and enjoyed a brilliant performance. I had previously decided that I would try to read the Shakespeare plays that I’d not previously read and after this, I am tempted to book a long weekend in Stratford every so often and check out all the plays they are putting on at that time.
The following day, we went to visit Shakespeare’s Birthplace. Which, frankly, is a very overpriced trip to an old house with a couple of videos. That’s not to say I didn’t enjoy it but just that I didn’t enjoy fifteen pounds worth of fun.
I did find a half price Rough Guide to Shakespeare in the gift shop which I have found very useful so far.
MAD Museum
Another place we visited in Stratford was the MAD Museum – the museum of Mechanical Art and Design. I had been looking on that there internet the night before for things to do and knowing that Dan did a degree in engineering and loves this sort of thing, I decided to take him there as a thank you for enduring me trying to force him to be cultured with all the Shakespeare stuff.
This museum is incredible. Any description of it probably won’t do it justice. Imagine you walk into a mad scientists laboratory and there’s all these things going on all at once with machines doing random things. None of them are functional, all of them are beautiful and fascinating.
I highly recommend this. It was the second best thing I saw on the whole trip and at under half the price of Shakespare’s Birthplace, I would choose to visit this twice and buy an ice cream rather than go to the birthplace if and when I go back to Stratford.
That evening, we stayed at Pontins in Burnham-on-Sea because it was the cheapest place available on the journey to Cornwall. We paid £19 for a four person chalet 2 minutes walk from the beach.
After bonding with the security guards over the fact that Carling tastes like piss, they gave us directions to the beach. We’d bought ourselves a BBQ and food which we enjoyed, watched the sun go down, had some beer and I let Dan beat me at boules.
Eden Project
The final day was spent with a visit to the Eden Project. Looking out of the window of our room in Pontins, it was exceptionally sunny so I thought for the last day of my holiday I would wear shorts and t-shirt!
It turned out to be a bad decision as about 10 minutes into the Eden Project, we had to go back to get our coats.
Eden is a very pretty place and an impressive project. We probably didn’t spend enough time there as there is a lot to see and take in and if you’re rushing around you won’t get too much of it. We do now have annual passes and I may well attempt to go back there at some point. Especially as we missed the opening of the longest zipwire in England by one day.
Bucket List Item completed – 47: Drive across a country from one extreme to the other
After this, we returned home. On my bucket list, I had put down driving across a country from one extreme to the other. Now, technically I didn’t drive from one extreme to the other but I pretty much drove to every corner of England. I wanted to go to Land’s End but the hour each way to do so wasn’t available as I wanted to get back for a friend’s birthday celebrations.
So I am counting it. I don’t care what you think. It’s my list and I drove 1,450 miles which is Land’s End to John o’Groats and most of the way back again, so I am counting it. I make the rules here.
If you want to see all of the photos from my trip, they are up as a Facebook album which I think should be public. If you can’t get to it, let me know and I’ll attempt to adjust the privacy settings.
Footnote:
1. The Great Radnor Park Fair Incident occurred in 2009 when I went to the fun fair with some friends and bought a wristband to allow me to go on any ride. I am not very keen on rides in general and after going on the dodgems, the ghost train and the bumper cars, my friends wanted to go on the rage cage. This is not something I had any intention of doing and so Natalie suggested that I go on the kiddies roller-coaster Being an tight accountant and wanting to go to the most out of my ticket, I thought this was a good idea. I queued up for the ride and got right to the front and the guy waved me on. I got in the front of the roller-coaster and a few minutes later, I got a tap on the shoulder and the guy asked me where my kid was. I said I didn’t have one and he told me that it was a kid’s ride and that I had to get off. Stunned, I was speechless and unable to counter what at the time seemed to me like a flawless argument.
I have never felt manlier than when in control of a massive piece of machinery and able to destroy things. It’s a pretty good feeling, really. I accidentally broke the rules. Apparently you’re not allowed to lift the bucket over head height. I may well have been told this but when in control of heavy machinery, pretty much everything I’ve ever been told is forgotten in my excitement. I could probably spend all day filling up the bucket on the digger with dirt and lifting it as high as it can go to just drop out all the dirt.
