Category: films

My ten favourite movies and what that says about me

In reverse order, these are my all-time desert island top ten films and what I think their inclusion on this list says about me.

10. Die Hard

Why I love it:

Quite simply, Die Hard is the best action movie ever made. There is not a single fault in it and it is not tarnished by the weak points in some of the sequels. Bruce Willis kicks arse, men want to be him, women want to be with him. Alan Rickman is – as always- awesome as Hans Gruber and makes a brilliant foe for McClane to go up against. It also inspired this amazing song.

What this says about me:

I am a man. I like it when things blow up. I like watching a good man give the bad guys what they deserve. I like well written action films where you actually care about what’s happening such as Die Hard and not hastily thrown together pieces of crap like A Good Day To Die Hard (please don’t get me started on how stupid that film is).

9. Swingers

Why I love it:

Vince Vaughn is awesome. He’s one of my favourite actors despite the fact that he’s done some mediocre films. This is the first film I saw him in and he’s so money. It’s about the shallowness of one-night stands and pretending to be someone you’re not because ultimately that’s not what will get you the right person for you.

What this says about me:

I am a hopeless romantic. I want to go to Vegas.

8. The Wedding Singer

Why I love it:

DREW BARRYMORE. (She is my ideal woman but more on that another time, perhaps). It glorifies the 80s whilst mocking them slightly at the same time. It’s a lovestory where the guy gets with the girl who you want him to get with at the end in a slightly cheesy fashion but I don’t care because you get so invested in them getting together that it’s just perfect anyway. And the Somebody Kill Me Please song. And Steve Buscemi. And the old woman doing Rapper’s Delight.

What this says about me:

I am a hopeless romantic. I love music even if it’s cheesy. I love Drew.

7. Empire Records

Why I love it:

I think you fall in love with every character in this film with the possible exception of Rex Manning. It’s all about music. Only it’s not. It’s all about record stores and bringing a misfit community of kids together and helping them fulfil their dreams. Only it’s not. It’s all about sticking it to The Man. Only it’s not. It’s about all these things and more.

What this says about me:

I love the sense of belonging which this film puts across. I want to be part of something that means something. I love 90s alternative rock.

6. Hot Fuzz

Why I love this:

I giggled like a little schoolgirl the entire way through this at the cinema. It’s a film about someone understanding how to adapt themselves to the environment that they’re in whilst still at the same time being able to look after their peace lily. It’s a bromance. It’s about belonging.

What this says about me:

I giggle like a little schoolgirl at the type of humour in this film.

5. Fight Club

Why I love it:

It’s amazing. It’s a film about destroying the world but makes me feel positive about things. I’m not quite sure how that works. It’s nihilistic but hopeful. There’s that bit with the penguin in the cave where Ed Norton slides with it which has inspired an item on my bucket list. Bob has bitch tits. It’s about being manly and aggressive to understand the world which doesn’t seem like it should work. Where Is My Mind as the city explodes. It’s just so iconic. It proper blew my mind the first time I saw it.

What this says about me:

I’m angry on the inside. I want a sense of belonging. I have no idea who the right woman for me is as I think she’s the wrong woman. I don’t know. This film just kicks arse.

4. High Fidelity

Why I love it:

The book is one of my favourites and it is well adapted. It’s about music. I clearly love films about music. John Cusack is one of my favourite actors and he plays the part brilliantly, as do Jack Black and Todd Luiso.

What this says about me:

Again this suggests that I am a hopeless romantic and I always hold out hope that the girl will get with the guy in the end. This has possibly caused issues in real life. I am obsessed with music – although less so now I have got older and out of touch with the modern music bands.

3. Muppet’s Christmas Carol

Why I love it:

I love Christmas. I love the Muppets. I love A Christmas Carol. The songs are incredible. Michael Caine is incredible. Gonzo is a brilliant storyteller. The film is just so cute and lovely and never fails to put a smile on my face. It’s a ritual for me to watch this film just before Christmas every year and it will really get me in the Christmas spirit.

What this says about me:

Christmas is my favourite time of year. I will not grow up. I have a lot of faith in people and hope that they will earn redemption. I find muppets ridiculously cute.

2. The Muppets

Why I love it:

MORE MUPPETS! The film is brilliantly done. It’s completely respectful to the original muppets show/films and has some kick arse songs and great performances. I watched this film about 5 times within 2 weeks of buying the DVD and I could probably have watched it more without getting bored of it. It just makes me feel all happy inside.

What this says about me:

I love the idea that an outsider can find some way to fit in. I’m all for social inclusion and that. I love the idea of a group getting back together to put aside differences to unite and fight for one goal.

1. Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory

Why I love it:

Since I was very little, this has been my favourite film and I’m not sure that is ever going to change. I love Roald Dahl and despite the fact he wasn’t completely pleased by the film, I wouldn’t change a single thing. It really gets the flavour of the book and the performance of Gene Wilder is in my opinion one of the best ever committed to film. He is at times crazy, brilliant, evil, kind and generous – and it fits perfectly. It doesn’t seem disconnected as perhaps the Johnny Depp version sometimes does. It doesn’t feel like it needs to explain itself. It is aimed perfectly at the child viewer just as Dahl’s writing is aimed perfectly at the child reader.

What this says about me:

I will never, ever, truly grow up. I will always be a dreamer in some way. I will always hope that I will end up living in a chocolate factory and – after visiting Cadbury World earlier this year – I want it more than ever. I want to live in a world where you get rewarded for being good and knowing right from wrong rather than stealing everlasting gob-stoppers and giving them to the badman.

Conclusion:

My ideal film would be a muppets film based around music and social inclusion where the guy gets the girl in the end but aimed at children and is funny. With Drew Barrymore and explosions. Someone please make this film, many thanks.

Please don’t waste your time watching Man on a Ledge

The cover is actually the best thing about the film

Lovefilm recently sent me the film ‘Man On A Ledge.’ I don’t recall ever adding it to my rental list and now I am beginning to suspect that someone who dislikes me hacked into my account and added it on there.

The first time the disc came through, it was unplayable. I should have taken this as sign. Instead, I returned it to them with a note advising them of this and they sent me another copy above my rental allowance which was nice of them.

I watched the film last Sunday and it was one hour and forty two minutes of my life that I am never getting back so I thought I would write this to prevent anyone else wasting their time watching this piece of drivel.

To give you an idea of why you might be suckered into watching this, here are a few excepts from reviews on Lovefilm:

“This clever thriller takes you on an entertaining ride and isn’t all it seems to be.”
“Intriguing thriller”
“This film, with a solid cast and a decent script, is original, intriguing, fast-paced and genuinely entertaining. I really, really enjoyed it.”
“Such a clever thought out plot!! no dull moments, a very good, gripping film, really enjoyed it. Would even watch it again”

All of these, coupled with an average rating of three and a half stars is probably enough to convince you to watch it.
The trouble is, it’s all a bunch of lies from a bunch of lying liars. If you genuinely haven’t been put off by my rants so far, I should warn you that the next paragraph will contain spoilers. Ok, here is the plot of the film:

A man is imprisoned for stealing a diamond that was never actually stolen. He escapes whilst attending his brother’s funeral and stands on the ledge of a hotel room threatening to jump using the media circus as a distraction whilst his brother and his girlfriend (who predictably become his fiancée in the final scene of the film) break into the building next door 

That’s it. Ok, there are other things happening as well, but I don’t think that counts as being “a clever thought out plot.” Seriously, I could get a bunch of eight-year olds to write a film and it would be more exciting. 

I don’t ever remember watching a film where I cared so little about every single character. None of them had anything interesting about them or were portrayed with any sort of empathy.

Then the script… the dialogue is so poor, it is almost as if the person who is writing it has never had an actual conversation in their life and had to guess at what people say in conversations.

And the acting is so so so horrendous. When I was 11, I played King Herod in my school’s nativity. My evil laugh was so poor that the audience laughed at it. In comparison to the actors in this film, however, that was a performance of De Niro or Pacino standards. 

The really frustrating thing is that I can’t stop watching something. I’m a bit OCD and when I start something, I have to finish it. I don’t know why but I do. So, after realising about 2 minutes into the film that it was going to be dull as dishwater, I knew I had a further 100 minutes of torture to endue.


I cannot stress enough how bad this film is. This has beaten You Got Served which I once forced Lewis to watch (possibly as punishment) when we were both off sick from work one day. I think by the end of that film, we were both ready to call into our respective offices and tell them that we’d had a miraculous recovery and were on our way in.

This film was so bad that it left me wishing that I was the one up on the ledge so that I could jump and end the torture.