Category: television

There’s a special layer of hell reserved for Clarkson

The most shocking thing to me about Jeremy Clarkson’s suspension is that he is even still a thing.

Each day at lunch, I sit in the staff room reading Four Four Two whilst one of my colleagues watches repeats of Top Gear on Dave. This is annoying but a vast improvement on the Vernon Kaye fronted Celebrity Family Fortunes with some of the worst joke writing ever known to mankind.

So as I lunch, I am “treated” to a large number of Clarkson’s “witticisms.” The fact that the Metro was able to come up with a list of the top 10 gaffe’s that he has made which barely scrapes the surface of his bigotry should give an idea to anyone who isn’t completely familiar with him just what a massive twazzock he actually is.

It is 2015. It astounds me that there is such a bigoted presenter being given £8.4 million of licence payers money (around 0.25% of all fees collected) to basically offend everyone in the entire universe under the guise of being funny. I’m amazed even more that people still find it funny. But then I guess I’m a liberal with too much faith in people who likes to think no-one fines bigoted humour funny any more. I wonder if he realises that in this day and ages, it’s actually possible to be funny without offending people.

I used to watch Top Gear. I liked the challenges they do. This is the entertaining part of the show to me. I really don’t care about cars (I actually got rid of mine in August and have felt liberated since doing so, but that’s a different story).

However, I gave up watching the show around 7 or 8 years ago because I could no longer deal with Clarkson any more. Which is a bit of a shame as I actually quite like Hammond and May as presenters.

I have seen petitions to have the overgrown hobbit reinstated. No only are they generally poorly written but a number of them are supported by the same people who have vilified footballers such as John Terry and Luis Suarez for racist behaviour previously.

It seems to me (and I am not saying that I am not guilty of this myself) that people will – at least up to a point – support transgressions of individuals that entertain them so that they can continue to be entertained.

This lack of objectivity is something that perhaps we all – myself included – need to be aware of when making judgments on celebrities.

For me, however, Clarkson being suspended is not enough. The Sixth Circle of Hell would be a more fitting punishment.

I hope the BBC gets rid of the knobchunk nice and quickly and spend the money saved on making something at a similar intellectual level, such as In The Night Garden.

“Jeremy Clarkson has three daughters, and I hope they all go blind. Not one of them, in one eye – all of them, in all their eyes! Come on! It’s just a joke, like on Top Gear!” – Stewart Lee

The more I think about it, the more the ending to Dexter sucks

SPOILER ALERT: This is about the final episode of the TV show Dexter. If you don’t want to know what happened, don’t read. Although if you don’t know and read, to be honest, you’ll probably be only be as disappointed as if you’d watched it anyway.

Here is a picture of Dexter before I actually start ranting, just to give people time to read that spoiler alert.

There. Now that’s out of the way, on with the rant.
I have been into Dexter for a while. I think it was around season 3 was on TV when someone lent me a DVD of the first season and told me that I’d like it. I did and I caught up quite quickly.
It was brilliant. The idea was amazing – a forensic analyst who is a compulsive serial killer, therefore able to cover his tracks perfectly and who only kills the bad guys.
The show had a couple of brilliant season. The first one and the one with John Lithgow as the Trinity killer stand out. It also had some amazing bits in the others. 
Since it was announced that they were going to end the show a couple of years ago, I have watched the last three seasons with Bass and Natalie as companions. Since that point the writers had always known how it was going to end, according to interviews.
Since that point, we had been debating how it was going to end. In my mind, there was one of two ways it could finish:
1. Dexter is dead.
2. Dexter is imprisoned.
Any other way, then there is not a resolution. If Dexter is alive and at large, we still assume that he has the killer instinct – the dark passenger which he hasn’t actually spoken about for a few years – and therefore it is not an ending. There could still be more. Why it would end any other way, I don’t know.
The last couple of seasons leading up to this, have actually been a bit lackluster. Deb finding out about Dexter’s true nature should have been the beginning of the end. As it was, it was dragged out, she thought she was in love with him, she got a different job, she tried to confess. Some of these things were good. Some of them were dull.
Deb finding out about Dexter should have been cataclysmic. It should have sent the show on a spiral towards one of the two endings that I have suggested. 
Instead, they faffed around in season 8 by bringing in a bunch of new characters. 
Dr Vogel who was insanely annoying was supposed to have been the one that came up with Dexter’s code (that he only kills the baddies). She was weak. Buying into her being his inspiration all along was nigh on impossible.
Her son was better and ultimately a bit more like some previous villains, but he was no Trinity or Ice Truck Killer and to have him be the one that finally brought Dexter down was a rubbish way of doing it. Much better would have been to have Deb be the one responsible for his demise in one way or the other.
Zach was the best character they introduced. He was like a mini Dexter and one way of ending the show could have been to have Dexter train him and have Zach take over his legacy. But they killed him off after a few episodes.
Masouka’s daughter…. well what the hell was that point in her? She added absolutely nothing to the story. Dead weight.
Still, even with all of this faffing and the weak storyline, I could have bought the ending if it hadn’t been for the last 30 seconds. 
The ending prior to this was at least sort of consistent with the rest of the season. Dexter has become a bit more emotional, felt guilty about what he’d done to those around him, especially Deb and then he becomes the cause of the reason she will be a vegetable for the rest of her life and so decides to do what he knows and killer her and bury her at sea. He then gets caught up in a storm and you see his shipwreck. Scene.
At least that is reasonably consistent and gives us an resolution. But no. We’re not allowed one. Fade in and we see Dexter is a lumberjack. 
What?
What the Bon Jovi am I supposed to think about that? 
He is still alive. Surely he’s still a killer? Surely there’s still more I need to know about him?
THAT IS NOT AN ENDING, SHOWTIME. THAT IS A NEW BEGINNING.
In the few weeks that have passed since I watched the final episode, the anger has been festering and I have felt the need to get it out. 
It might have been made worse by the fact that I watched the final episode the day before I watched the final Breaking Bad which ended perfectly and true to the entire 5 seasons.
I should have been prepared based on the fact that the last few seasons have been a bit sub-par but I was at least hopeful for closure. Apparently I’m not allowed it. Well, screw you, Showtime! I’m not watching any more of your shows!

Everyone told me to watch Breaking Bad so I did

It usually takes a few people to tell me that something is worth seeing before I eventually get around to watching something on television.

Despite the fact that half of this blog seems to be about TV, I don’t actually watch very much of it. I know what shows I like and I stick to them. And during football season, most of my viewing time is taken up with watching Match of the Day.

Recently, a ludicrous number of people have told me to watch Breaking Bad. So many that if it sucked, I would only have a few people whose opinions I still respected.

So, after reducing my Lovefilm subscription, I manged to save enough to subscribe to Netflix without any additional cost. I instantly fell in love with Netflix as well. For some reason, their user interface on both the Playstation 3 and the iPad seems to be so much better than Lovefilm’s that they’re not even in the same ballpark. And they also have a couple of Richard Herring stand-up shows which is another selling point.

Last night I finished watching the first series of Breaking Bad. It’s only 7 episodes and I managed to watch it in two days. I can sum up my thoughts in one word: wow.

It really is good television and I’m pleased that I can still trust the opinions of many of my closest friends.

The premise is quite simple – a science teacher dying of cancer teams up with a former student to make crystal meth in an attempt to leave his family well off after his death.

As it’s such a simple premise, I have been wondering at times where they’re going to go and how they’re going to make five seasons out of the idea. It has been slowly revealing more and more plot details and I’m not worried that it will become stale. Different people have told me that the endings of season 3 and season 4 are both incredible and the way that the show is written gives me confidence that it will continue to be good.

There are only a few key characters and I didn’t find the show slow to get into – although someone had suggested that I would – because of this. I got invested into the characters quite quickly as the main ones feature heavily in each episode and are very well defined.

I am especially fond of Walter Junior. He is a character with cerebral palsy and having looked after someone with it for the best part of a year in a former job, I was pleased to see such a positive representation on a prominent TV show.

The intervention scene in episode 5 is especially well written. It’s definitely my favourite bit so far. My least favourite bit was the fact that they decided we needed to see Walt’s naked bum. I’m not a prude but I’m wondering how much they had to pay him for the nude scene and whether that extra money could have been spent on getting Jessie to say “yo” or “bitch” a few more times instead. As I would have found that preferable.

But yeah, the intervention scene – wow. So well written. All of the characters are brilliant, well fleshed out and have their own consistent opinions and that scene shows that off perfectly. It wouldn’t have worked if one of the elements was not spot on. If anyone wants to learn how to write, they could do a lot worse than watch that scene repeatedly.

Most amazing thing I have learnt from watching the show that I should have already known before if I wasn’t so stupid: crystal meth is actually crystals. It seems to logical when you say it like that but I genuinely had no idea. I’m such a poor naive muggle in these matters.

As I mentioned, I really have no idea where the show is going to go. I’m hoping that it ends with Walt dying and going to heaven and God saying: “yeah, so you made all that money to look after your family. Kudos. However, you did it by doing a naughty naughty thing, so unfortunately you’re heading to hell” and then Walt turns up in the sequel to Chuck Palahnuik’s Damned which is conveniently released a few weeks after the final episode is going to be aired.

So, in conclusion, everyone who told me to watch the show was right. It’s the bomb, yo. If you haven’t watch it, you should do. Netflix gives you a free month so it’s worth checking out. Now I am off to watch seasons 2 through 5. See you all in a few weeks.

Vikings

When I was in primary school, I developed a fascination with Vikings. This is why I went to visit the Jorvik Viking Centre in York on my recent road trip around England.

So when I noticed that there was a show named Vikings on Lovefilm Instant, I got excited and decided to watch it as surely 4,083 Lovefilm viewers who have given it an average rating of 4.5 stars can’t be wrong.

The show is exclusively on Lovefilm, as are some new shows that Amazon has commissioned in a move to try to capture part of the TV market and compete with Netflix. Netflix have recently acquired the rights to the latest series of Arrested Development which is a much smarter move as it already has an established fanbase. Lovefilm are gambling on the fact that the fact the show is created by Michael Hirst who also produced the successful Tudors and the general appeal of the era.

I have a bit of a love/hate relationship with Amazon. Lovefilm has been a blessing. Living on my own, it keeps me occupied when I get a bit bored. I am able to stream a random film on a whim. I also love my Kindle. I didn’t think I would, but it’s amazing to be able to download a book and start reading it 30 seconds later. It’s also a lot easier to hold than a big book and the fact that lots of classics I haven’t read are available to download for free appeals to the snob in me who wants to have read these classics.

However, I hate the fact that Amazon is killing off books, bookshops and other local stores and has barely paid any tax. I’m conflicted. Anyway, I digress.

So when, I was at school, I liked the Vikings. They had cool hats, cool boats and even cooler beards. Along with the fact that I need to hide my bum-chin, I think Vikings may have been my inspiration for having had a massive beard throughout most of my adult life.

Watching the show, I discovered that either our teachers glossed over or I forgot about the fact that Vikings spent most of their time raping and pillaging. This now sits uneasy with me. There wasn’t too much mention of it in Jorvik either.

I’m not saying that this is predominant in the show, as it also focuses on the internal politics of the Northmen, but it is a large part of what happens over the course of the nine episodes.

To give a summary of the show, without meaning to give away any spoilers, it focuses on Ragnar Lodbrok who frankly is the only character’s name I can remember as it is the only one that is said over and over. Ragnar may or may not have been a genuine historical figure but is known for his raids upon the British Isles.

He is obsessed with going west, so much so that I was expecting him to start blasting out the Village People hit. He convinces a bunch of his compatriots to join him and go against the orders of the Earl who forbade it. Upon arrival in Britain, they find a town of priests who they barbarically slay with Ragnar capturing one and eventually turning him into his slave.

The priest acts as the voice of the 21st Century Western moral compass, discussing with Ragnar the issues of rape and slavery. I’ve been struggling to decide whether this character is necessary. It feels like it is spoon feeding us what we should think rather than allowing us to make our own judgements.

Later in the series, there is a baby whose father is unknown. Rather than get in Jeremy Kyle, they claim it is a god who fathered it. This is symptomatic of the show where it sprinkles mentions of Norse gods and mythology throughout the show.

Some parts of it are fact, some are fiction and it can be a difficult line to tread. The show is reasonably enjoyable to watch but I think they are wobbling along the line and perhaps by doing so they will please neither viewers who want historical accuracy nor those who want a bloodthirsty drama.

Vikings is enjoyable enough but not worthy of 4.5 stars and has made me reassess my fondness for Vikings.

Children’s TV: They don’t make it like they used to

I am a boy. I love stupid boy projects. Since living on my own, I seem to embark on more stupid boy projects. And when one gets in my head, it is pretty difficult to get it out of my head. This is the reason I now own guinea pigs. More on that another time.

I’m not sure how or why the idea got in my head. I think I realised that this blog has largely become about television – see my Take Me Out rant, my anger at a throwaway comment on Question Time or my media studies essay on the stereotypes in shows such as The Only Way Is Essex.

Which is quite odd really, as I don’t actually watch much TV.

So, for some reason, I got it into my head to watch one episode of every childrens’ TV show on BBC iPlayer.

I could try to tell myself that it’s so that I can make sure the shows these days are not corrupting my 6 month old niece, or that I’m actually trying to fill in all the bits of my general knowledge that have fallen out and been replaced with information about superheroes but it’s more likely just because I actually have the mentality of a 5 year old.

The task was a much bigger undertaking than I thought it would be at the point when I started. If I’d have counted the number of shows there were, I would probably have given up before I started. All in all, it took about 3 weeks of my spare time to get through them.

On the plus side, if and when I find a woman silly enough to procreate with me, I will know which ones are the ones to avoid already.

That makes it sound worse than it is. Some of the shows were, predictably, rather rubbish. Some of them were outstanding though. I found I developed the ability to tell within about 30 seconds which it was going to be.

Some of the shows I used to watch were horrendous, if you watch them back nowadays. Nostaligia does tend to rose-tint your opinions of things. Some of them make very little sense except to children’s minds and the same is true for some shows these days. Perhaps all that changes is the drugs that TV producers are on when they come up with the ideas.

In a way, it does seems as if they have some sort of random idea generator, as there are a limited number of shows. I would narrow it down to seven main types of shows. Not everything will fit these seven but I’m not going to spend even more time coming up with the equivalent of Propp’s 31 functions of fairytales.

The seven types of show are:

1. Children doing grown up things
2. Creatures/aliens/puppets living with humans
3. Animals that talk
4. Purely educational
5. Bizarre creatures making nonsensical noises
6. Things that can’t usually speak are able to speak
7. Wacky stuff happens

Into the last category, I would place some of the game shows they have, such as Copycats. On the topic of game shows, lots of contestants seem to be from Liverpool for some reason. I couldn’t work out why it is other than perhaps assuming that they have some studios near there.

Copycats, is hosted by a duo called Sam and Mark. They are effectively the next Ant and Dec, although they’re probably not as good at rapping. Is it wrong to have a favourite out of Sam and Mark? Because I do. It’s Mark, as Sam reminds me of Michael McIntyre who just annoys me.

They seem to have used up a large number of ideas for TV shows, as very few of them are completely original. Below I have given a short summary and my views on every show I watched, and – if you were to read them all – you will probably get bored by the number of times other shows are referenced. Aside from the shows that are still going such as Blue Peter or the obvious re-makes such as Postman Pat, lots of shows seem to borrow heavily from others.

Pet Squad is a re-make of Powerpuff Girls but with pets, right down to the visual style. In The Night Garden is Teletubbies with a different type of character. And those are just two of the really obvious ones.

I guess this is understandable. There are only going to be a limited number of ways to put a TV show together, in the same way that there are only a limited number of ways to put chords together to make music, which is why you get similarities between songs and which inspired the Pachelbel Rant.

Anyway, if you can’t be bothered to read through all my summaries below, here are the shows that your children should be watching:

Infants: Alphablocks, In The Night Garden
Young children: Shaun The Sheep, Walk on the Wildside, Sarah and Duck, Newsround, I Can Cook
Teenagers: Absolute Genius with Dick and Dom, Horrible Histories, All Over The Place, How to be Epic at Everything, My Life

You’re welcome.

Show: 4 O’Clock Club
Episode: Season 2 Episode 1
Premise: 2 brothers – one is teacher of the year and one is troublesome student at Elmsbury school. The gimmick is that they frequently break into rap songs. At times it seems a bit like a music video and the budget seems quite high because of this. The show is actually pretty good on it’s own rights and the gimmick is probably not needed. However, I did disapprove of part of the show where they were picking on a girl because she was different but no real comeback for the bully.
A bit like: Grange Hill with rap.
Rating: 7/10

Show: 64 Zoo Lane
Episode: Season 3 Unknown
Premise: A cartoon where Lucy lives with a load of zoo animals. Definitely aimed at younger audiences. This episode features a story to help children accept things in the world. Lucy didn’t get exactly what she wanted but it was better because other peoples input helped improve it.
A bit like: an urbanised jungle book.
Rating: 6/10

Show: Abadas
Episode: 2
Premise: A kid name Ben has a book which contains a hippo, bat and fox who come to life and the cartoons jump out of the book into his room. Brightly coloured and trippy. In Welsh, so I’m guessing I didn’t pick up on absolutely everything that was going on, although the moral that I took from this episode is that it’s okay to draw over yourself with pens that you find on the beach.
A bit like: Being captured by a cult and force fed LSD.
Rating: 2/10
Note: From this point on, I avoided anything else that was in Welsh.

Show: Absolute Genius With Dick and Dom
Episode: 1 – Archimedes
Premise: Dick and Dom pick a genius and tell you all about their inventions and how they work with practical examples and applications with their cute scientist friend Fran.  I love science but I don’t understand it very well and this explains it in a very simple to understand manner. All kids should know this sort of stuff.
A bit like: Brian cox’s year 6 school project.
Rating: 10/10.

Show: The adventures of Abney and Teal
Episode: Season 1 Episode 13
Premise: Two children live in a woods and are friends with a sort of sea creature, an accordion playing dog, some things called Pokpoks and a character called Neep who can only say “neep”. Incessantly. It’s worse when his friends turn up as well.
A bit like: Being hungover in a room full of screaming babies.
Rating: 2/10

Show: All over The Place.
Episode: Season 1 Episode 5
Premise: Four young excitable presenters travel across America visiting the weirdest tourist attractions, singing and entering competitions.
A bit like: Bill Bryson on Red Bull.
Rating: 9/10

Show: Alphablocks
Episode: Season 2 Episode 6
Premise: Some really cute creatures who all have a letter on their head spell out words and hold hands and then that thing appears or happens. They usually say words only beginning with that letter.
A bit like: Penny Crayon decides to teach spelling.
Rating: 8/10

Show: Andy’s wild adventures
Episode: Season 1 Episode 12
Premise: Andy works in a zoo. He and his pet puppet cat Kit travel the world in a crazy flying machine and using strange gadgets to educate us about different types of animals.
A bit like: Attenborough goes sci-fi.
Rating: 8/10

Show: Arthur
Episode: Season 10 Episode 5
Premise: Some animals of indeterminate species live human-like lives although title character seemed to disappear. There was a song which seemed to celebrate everyone’s differences and this episode is about appreciating the opera.
A bit like:  Some sort of warped version of Toy Story.
Rating: 5/10

Show: Baby Jake
Episode: Season 2 Episode 7
Premise: A family with ten children live in a windmill. Baby Jake likes to go on adventures narrated by his brother Isaac who is the only one who can speak baby-ese. Jake’s disembodied head is put on a cartoon body and he joins dancing hamsters in space.
A bit like: Round the Twist combined with your wildest nightmares.
Rating: 1/10

Show: Bear Behaving Badly
Episode: Season 3 Episode 7
Premise: A guy lives with a couple of sock puppets who get into mischief. Heavily reliant on dramatic irony.
A bit like: A cooler version of Bodger and Badger.
Rating: 7/10

Show: Blue Peter
Episode: Flying with the Red arrows and Eating bugs
Premise: A magazine show which has been running for approximately a million years and has features on creativity, culture and conservation among other subjects. Always seems to leave you with an appetite for life and a “I can do that!” attitude
A bit like: Blue Peter
Rating: 8/10

Show: Bob the Builder
Episode: Unknown
Premise: Bob and his anthropomorphised vehicles build and fix things around their town. If you haven’t seen it before then you must have been living on a different planet.
A bit like: Thomas The Tank engine for The DIY generation.
Rating: 7/10

Show: Cbeebies Bedtime Stories
Episode: 12. Whinnies flying carpet
Premise: “Celebrities” read bedtime stories in an armchair with pictures from the book
A bit like: Jackanory.
Rating: 8/10

Show: Cbeebies Birthday Cards
Episode: 21st February 2013
Premise: Seems to be a compilation of all the bits of the show where presenters pull out birthday cards for viewers and wish them a happy birthday. Quite impressed that they still make people post them rather than email them. They put a CBBC character over the top of one of them who had a jumper for a non CBBC character or logo. I’m a bit dubious about the kids being able to recognise themselves on TV though as they might not have that much self-awareness. It seems to happens 4 times a day.
A bit like: A modern version of when they used to pull out pictures of kids faces on the front of Thomas The Tank Engine.
Rating: 4/10

Show: Charlie And Lola
Episode: Season 3 Episode 27
Premise: A cartoon with a boy called Charlie and his little sister Lola who he has to look after. They hang around with their friends and train dogs. I very much approve of Charlie coordinating his shoes with his top.
A bit like: Watching a little boy take care of his little sister.
Rating: 7/10

Show: Chuggington: Badge Quest
Epsiode: 41
Premise: A train is on a quest to get badges and has to complete certain tasks to obtain them. In this episode, Wilson cleans leaves from The track using water which in reality would have just got wet and stayed there. They must have been the right kind of leaves.
A bit like: Thomas The Tank Engine joins The scouts.
Rating: 6/10

Show: Cloud Babies
Episode: 37
Premise: The cloud babies are some brightly coloured  seemingly human creatures called Bobos who ride strange horse creature things who take care of all the things in the sky, including the moons polish to keep it shining. It explains who the universe works with stories such as Bobo Pink fluffs the clouds. Obviously they are actually teaching children lies.
A bit like: My Little Ponies and the Wombles mated.
Rating: 8/10

Show: Copycats
Episode: Season 2 Episode 39
Premise: Two kids get a team (seemingly mainly to consist of their relations) and battle it out against each other for a trophy. Sam and Mark lead the teams through a series of games where they have to copy what their team mates or a TV screen shows them.
A bit like: Ant and Dec bastardised Family Fortunes and turned it into chinese whipsers.
Rating: 7/10

Show: Dani’s Castle
Episode: 1
Premise: A girl/woman named Dani inherits an odd castle in the middle of nowhere in Ireland. It turns out that she actually only inherited half with a cousin owning another half.  It is haunted and the ghosts try to make friends with the humans. With canned laughter.
A bit like: An Irish version of Rentaghost.
Rating: 5/10

Show: Dani’s House
Episode: Season 1 Episode 12
Premise: Dani lives in a house with her brother who she doesn’t get along with. Watched by aliens. With canned laughter.
A bit like: Dani’s Castle but worse.
Rating: 4/10

Show: The Daredevil
Episode: 3
Premise: The Daredevil presents a team of competitors with a lot dares for them to complete to get lives to take forward to the final challenges. Presented by a guy who wants to be Richard O’Brien but has a lot worse puns and comes across as fake.
A bit like: The Crystal Maze has mated with I’m A Celebrity.
Rating: 5/10

Show: Deadly Mission Madagascar
Episode: 2
Premise: A group of school kids visit Madagascar to see how they can help to conserve the wildlife in the area.
A bit like: Greenpeace commandeered a TV show.
Rating: 7/10

Show: Dennis and Gnasher
Episode: 26
Premise:  Dennis the Menace and his dog Gnasher get up to mischief. If you don’t know more than that, then you’re either too young or not cool enough to have read The Beano. I was frankly a bit disappointed there’s no Roger the Dodger cartoon as he was clearly the best Beano character.
A bit like: Your childhood has come alive and been voiced incorrectly. You’re not sure if you like it or not.
Rating: 5/10

Show: Diddly Movies
Episode: Season 1 Episode 3
Premise: Dick and Dom’s heads are on diddly bodies as they parody various movies with really high helium voices.
A bit like: A more annoying and less funny South Park episode meets the Chuckle Brothers.
Rating: 3/10

Show: Dipdap
Episode: 9
Premise: A little creature walks along a line which creates challenges for him
A bit like: A cartoon version of Morph.
Rating: 8/10

Show: Driver Dan’s Story Train
Episode: Season 1 Episode 44
Premise: A sort of lion/flower creature called Dan drives the story train randomly around to find someone to tell a story to/with. The train has no tracks and can go wherever it wants so probably doesn’t count as a train in the strictest definition.
A bit like: The Magic Roundabout does story time.
Rating: 7/10

Show: The Dumping Ground
Episode: Season 1 Episode 3
Premise: A lot of kids in care going through the problems of growing up and all of that sort of stuff. It features disabled characters in a positive light.
A bit like: Byker Grove meets Eastenders.
Rating: 5/10

Show: Everything’s Rosie
Episode: Season 1 Episode 25
Premise: A girl with rainbow coloured dreads and a selection of human and animal friends live in a playhouse with talking trees and get up to normal children stuff
A bit like: Watching children play if some of them were of indeterminate species.
Rating: 4/10

Show: Fierce Earth
Episode: 1
Premise: a team of thrill seekers investigate the worst kinds of weather suffered on earth and explain the science behind it. The show is a bit American/Anglo centric classifying the three worst hurricanes as Ike, Sandy and Katrina although they are not in the top three according to this list. And is based on the cost of repairing the damage not the death toll.
A bit like: If Brian Cox sky dived.
Rating: 8/10

Show: Fit
Episode: 9
Premise: A sketch show vaguely based around sports, health and fitness. I’m aware I’m not the target audience and I probably have a more sophisticated sense of humour but I didn’t lol once.
A bit like: The slow show.
Rating: 2/10

Show: Get Squiggling! Letters
Episode: 1
Premise: A giant monster thing called squiggler has a squigglepad and a squigglestick (known to you and me as a crayon) and encourages children to practice writing letters. The letter then turns up and squeaks to squiggler before a story is told involving lots of things beginning with that letter
A bit like: Snufflepaugus from The Muppets was given a show to educate children.
Rating: 8/10

Show: Get Well Soon
Episode: 27 The Raspberry Surprise
Premise: A singing doctor treats a bunch of hypochondriac puppets to explain illnesses and how to treat them.
A bit like: Embarrassing Bodies: The PG edition.
Rating: 8/10

Show: Grandpa In My Pocket
Episode: Season 2 Episode 9
Premise: Grandpa has a shrinking cap which he can put on to cause mischief/bully bullies
A bit like: Honey I Shrunk The Grandparents.
Rating: 6/10

Show: Help! My Supply Teacher Is Still Magic
Episode: 1
Premise: A number of magicians take supply classes at schools and instead of teaching them, they do magic tricks. Interspersed with magicians doing street magic.
A bit like: Penn and Teller meets Grange Hill.
Rating: 8/10

Show: Hero Squad
Epsiode: 6
Premise: 6 kids are trained up to be lifesavers. They go through training and a series of challenges to compete to be squad leader.
A bit like: The extreme Young Apprentice.
Rating: 7/10

Show: Horrible Histories
Episode: Season 2 Episode 7
Premise: A show presented by a rat featuring actors in period costumes acting out periods of history with true facts and slightly exaggerated stories for comedic effect.
A bit like: An educational Life of Brian.
Rating: 9/10

Show: How To Be Epic At Everything
Episode: 1
Premise: A 15 minute show with about 10 different skills for you to learn, such as the splits, how to flick a card… You had me at how to survive the zombie apocalypse
A bit like: A little bit of everything for dummies.
Rating: 9/10

Show: I Can Cook
Episode: 16
Premise: A group of children join the host who helps to teach them to make simple recipes whilst singing and making it fun for children. This show is actually brilliant. I didn’t learn to cook until I actually left home and it’s something very enjoyable and that I think kids should learn earlier
A bit like: Nigella without all the fancy recipes and innuendo.
Rating: 10/10

Show: Iconicles
Episode: 7
Premise: An inventor called Nat lives in a futuristic looking apartment with a CGI hedgehog called skitter interspersed with cartoons and life lessons.
A bit like: A futuristic Rainbow.
Rating: 6/10

Show: In The Night Garden
Epsiode: Season 1 Episode 1
Premise: People in costumes dance around and sing nonsense rhymes and speak nonsense words. In a garden. In the Dayime.
A bit like: The Teletubbies. Give or take a few details, it is identical. I know a lot of people get annoyed at this show but I think it’s actually pretty good and is no worse than shows from a few years ago.
Rating: 7/10

Show: Johnny and Inel show
Episode: 1
Premise: Johnny and Inel present a sketch show in front of a live audience
A bit like: A more street version of those sketch shows Ant and Dec used to do.
Rating: 6/10

Show: Junior Vets
Episode: 1
Premise: A group of kids join the vets at Edinburgh university
A bit like: X-Factor mated with country file.
Rating: 7/10

Show: Just Kidding.
Epiosde: 11
Premise: A bunch of kids play a load of practical jokes on grown ups whose laughter makes it look like they were already in on the joke
A bit like: Beadle’s About with kids
Rating: 1/10

Show: Justin’s House
Episode: Season 2 Episode 20
Premise: A slightly camp man in a waistcoat with a robot in his house sings songs and entertains large groups of children in his house which is aridiculously bright and quirky set. Potential paedophile
A bit like: A pantomime with no real direction
Rating: 1/10

Show: The League of Super Evil
Episode: Season 2 Episode 7
Premise: A team of super villains go about their every day business of doing things like winning chilli cook offs.
A bit like: An Invader Zim/Pinky and the Brain hybrid.
Rating: 7/10

Show: Let’s Play
Episode: 20
Premise: Two grown ups sing a song hoping that they’re going to be the one who gets to dress up with the random fancy dress generator and be the one to get to play today. Features humans living in a cartoon world.
A bit like: Mr Benn with living people.
Rating: 7/10

Show: Little Howard’s Big Question
Episode: Season 3 Episode 7
Premise: A cartoon character named Howard lives with a human called Howard and a computer called mother and if this episode is anything to go by, learns some pop psychology in every episode.
A bit like: A Freudian Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
Rating: 7/10

Show: Me and My Monsters
Episode: Season 2 Episode 7
Premise: 3 monster puppets live with the Carson family and generally get in the way and make nuisances of themselves.
A bit like: Monster Muppets at home.
Rating: 7/10

Show: MI High
Episode: Season 1 Episode 3
Premise: A number of school kids are actually undercover spies.
A bit like: Spooks meets Spy Kids.
Rating: 6/10

Show: Mike the Knight
Episode: 11
Premise: A knight called mike has lots of knightly adventures with dragons and the like
A bit like: A CGI knights tale.
Rating: 7/10

Show: Mr Maker Comes To Town
Episode: Seaosn 2 Episode 9
Premise: Mr Maker drives around in a brightly coloured vehicle when kids call him to get him to help them make brightly coloured things.  He also has the same bright blue converse as me.
A bit like: Art Attack mated with Playdays.
Rating: 6/10

Show: Mr Bloom’s Nursery
Episode: 3
Premise: Mr bloom has a greenhouse with lots of talking vegetables which resemble those from the Muppets’ Christmas Carol. He finds little children and teaches them about gardening.
A bit like: Titschmarsh simplified.
Rating: 7/10

Show: My Life
Episode: Season 4 Episode 1
Premise: Children tells of their life, hopes and struggles
A bit like: An inspiring show proving that you can do it.
Rating: 9/10

Show: My Story
Episode: 10
Premise: People tell their family history through shared experiences, such as
A bit like: A less inspirational version of my life.
Rating: 6/10

Show: Naomi’s Nightmares of Nature
Episode: 1
Premise: Naomi comes face to face with nightmares of nature. And uses the phrase “nightmare of nature” at every conceivable opportunity. And is a big wussy girl.
A bit like: Watching Ray Mears sleep.
Rating: 2/10

Show: Newsround
Episode: 14/3/13
Premise: All the top modern stories presented by explaining in full so that children will understand
A bit like: Newsround.
Episode: 9/10

Show: Nina and The Neurons: Go Engineering
Episode: 16
Premise: A Scottish scientist and CGI representations of each of our senses answer science questions asked by children.
A bit like: The New Scientists’ Last Word column.
Rating: 8/10

Show: Numberjacks
Episode: Season 2 Episode 3
Premise: A group of numbers are secret agents living on some sort of spaceship who enter the real world to solve number based problems
A bit like: If Star Trek had a mathematical premise.
Rating: 7/10

Show: Numtums
Episode: 12
Premise: A bunch of squirrel like creatures with numbers on their tums (hence numtums) live in a very colourful and noisy world (at least for 7am which is when I watched it). They send a number to have adventures with real life children.
A bit like: Thunderbirds. Even though it was nothing like it, for some reason I couldn’t get the comparison out of my head.
Rating: 8/10

Show: Nuzzle and Scratch: Frock and Roll
Episode: 21
Premise: Two alpacas live with a guy called the captain who dresses posh, like. The alpacas get confused about what is going on and go out and adventure in the real world.
A bit like: if Gonzo and Animal were the Chuckle Brothers. But were actually alpacas.
Rating: 5/10

Show: Octonauts
Episode: Season 1 Episode 16
Premise: Some cgi animals live in a submarine. From their accents, They appear to have come from all over the world.  They came up against some evil anemones.
A bit like: A sci-fi set in the sea. A sea-fi.
Rating: 5/10

Show: Officially Amazing
Episode: 4
Premise: A show showcasing world record attempts and other amazing things.
A bit like: A modern day Record Breakers but without the theme tune.
Rating: 7/10

Show: Uncle Jack’s Boat
Epsiode: 16
Premise: Seafaring uncle jack tells of his mystical stories from the high seas
A bit like: A less grumpy Father Jack making up stories.
Rating: 4/10

Show: Pet Squad
Episode: 25
Premise: Three crime fighting animals with super powers save the city from dastardly villains.
A bit like: The Powerpuff Pets. Right down to the visual style.
Rating: 8/10

Show: Postman Pat: Special Delivery Service
Episode: Season 1 Episode 1
Premise: Postman Pat has been upgraded to work of the special delivery service in the same stop motion style of the original and with only a slightly amended theme song.
A bit like: Your childhood has been lovingly and respectfully upgraded  unlike the blasemphemous remake of Thomas the Tank Engine.
Rating: 7/10

Show: Rastamouse
Episode: 16
Premise: A stop motion reggae playing mouse fights crime with stereotypical Jamaican accents
A bit like: A slightly racist Fingermouse.
Rating: 2/10

Show: Rocket’s Island.
Episode: 2
Premise: A kid called rocket lives on a secluded island where he has a Cave that makes wishes come true. Only someone has vandalised it and he wants to know who!
A bit like: Round the Twist set on the Isle of Man.
Rating: 4/10

Show: Sadie J
Episode: Season 3 Episode 1
Premise: A teenage girl and her friends complete with stereotypical gay friend live their lives with lots of coincidences and canned laughter.
A bit like: A worse version of Clarissa Explains It All.
Rating: 3/10

Show: Sam and Mark’s Big Friday Windup
Episode: 1
Premise: An audience of children and their parents are embarrassed by Sam and mark of copycats fame who get their relatives to do embarrassing things or to do Noel’s house party style windups with famous people scaring children.
A bit like: Saturday night TV from the 80s.
Rating: 6/10

Show: Same Smile
Episode: Season 2 Episode 6
Premise: Misha visits children and finds out what they’ve been up to.
A bit like: Taking a child to the park.
Rating: 3/10

Show: Sarah and Duck
Episode: 6
Premise: Sarah has a duck that lives in her bath. She feeds it bread on a plate
A bit like: A ludicrously cute cartoon.
Rating: 9/10

Show: Sarah Jane Adventures
Episode: The Temptation of Sarah Jane Smith Part 1
Premise: A Doctor Who spin off with his former companion and her son
A bit like: Doctor Who Lite. Without the doctor.
Rating: 6/10

Show: School of Silence
Episode: Season 2 Episode 10
Premise: A game show where children are subjected to things that are likely to make them scream where they will win prizes if they don’t.
A bit like: A load of gunge tanks
Rating: 5/10

Show: Shaun the Sheep
Episode: Season 3 Episode 6
Premise: Shaun is a sheep. He has sheeply adventures.
A bit like: 7 minute fixes of Aardman.
Rating: 8/10

Show: Something Special
Episode: Season 7 Episode 5
Premise:  Justin from Justin’s house is a clown called Mr Tumble. He uses a lot of sign language whilst talking to an off screen child who is asking him what he is doing.
A bit like: A signing clown.
Rating: 5/10

Show: Splatalot
Epsiode: Season 2 Episode 1
Premise: Dick and Dom present a show where the defenders of the castle try to stop children reaching the castle whilst taunting them at the same time.
A bit like: Those Japanese shows where the contestants have to try to get across obstacle courses.
Rating: 6/10

Show: The Story of Tracey Beaker
Episode: Season 5 Episode 12
Premise: A group of children in care suffer from loneliness
A bit like: The Dumping Ground: The Younger Years.
Rating: 6/10

Show: Superhuman Challenge
Episode: 1
Premise: Sara Cox narrates as we investigate superhuman people.
A bit like:  If X-Men were filmed as freaks of nature rather than going to Professor X’s School for the Gifted.
Rating: 8/10

Show: Tilly and Friends
Epsiode: 47
Premise: Tilly lives with a bunch of talking animals and has fun doing human things with them.
A bit like: A really simple show that is made a little more exciting as the characters are animals not humans.
Rating: 4/10

Show: Timmy Time
Episode: Season 2 Episode 7
Premise: A bunch of CGI non speaking animals hang about with each other.
A bit like: A 10 minute hit of aardman.
Rating: 7/10

Show: Totally Rubbish
Episode: 9
Premise:  A couple of excitable people show you how to make stuff out of your rubbish.
A bit like: Art Attack for the credit crunch generation.
Rating: 7/10

Show: Trapped
Episode: Season 3 Episode 1
Premise: A game show where everyone works together but there is one saboteur. They then vote on who they think was the saboteur and the votes person is trapped in the room they were in. Doesn’t seem to be a reward for being an undetected saboteur though.
A bit like: Crystal Maze crossed with The Weakest Link
Rating: 7/10

Show: Tree-Fu Tom
Episode: 21
Premise: In a CGI fantasy world, a guy named Tom does a lot of dance moves and calls it tree-fu to fight off talking mushrooms
A bit like: If that song that goes “one step one time…. Criss cross” actually had magical powers.
Rating: 1/10

Show: VIP People
Episode: 8
Premise: Going behind the scenes of important people to find out who helps them do what they do.
A bit like: Careers advice in how to do a job around a famous person.
Rating: 8/10

Show: Walk on the Wildside
Epsiode: Season 1 Episode 5
Premise: Comedy voice overs to nature videos
A bit like: Fit. But for animals. And actually funny.
Rating: 8/10

Show: Waybuloo
Episode: Season 2 Episode 24
Premise: CGI animals with human faces talk in poorly constructed sentences using nonsense speak. And do yoga. And speak to human children. And something about a sundial.
A bit like: An even weirder version of In The Night Garden.
Rating: 3/10

Show: What’s the Big Idea?
Episode: 1
Premise: Animated show where a thing called Hugo who looks naked investigates the idea behind things, such as perspective and why we go to school.
A bit like: 5 minutes of philosophy for children.
Rating: 6/10

Show: Who Let the Dogs Out and About
Episode: Season 2 Episode 6
Premise: Children take their dogs along to the roadshow and compete to see who can teach them a set trick the best. With cartoons as well.
A bit like: One Man and His Dog in town.
Rating: 5/10

Show: Winging It
Episode: Season 2 Episode 5
Premise: A high school student named Carl has a friend who is an angel who makes his life better by performing magic
A bit like: Al from Quantum Leap is transplanted into Saved By The Bell.
Rating: 6/10

Show: Wolfblood
Epsiode: 11
Premise: A bunch of werewolves try and live in the real world and argue about the use of use some sort of stimulant called eolas. With a Celtic theme tune but seemingly set in Newcastle.
A bit like: Twilight doing Grange Hill’s Just Say No.
Rating: 4/10

Show: Woolley and Tig
Episode: Season 2 Episode 16
Premise: A girl named Tig and her toy spider Woolley go on adventures and she learn life lessons from the toy spider
A bit like: Incy wincy teacher.
Rating: 7/10

Show: Young Dracula
Episode: Season 4 Episode 8
Premise: I’m not entirely sure. There are definitely vampires although they use the term ‘dracula’ to describe them. Which I disapprove of as it’s a proper noun. There is a family feud when the main chapter finds out that the boy who has been living with him is actually his brother and there is some issue with The Council
A bit like: Dracula: The Soap Opera.
Rating: 3/10

Show: Zingzillas
Episode: Season 2 Episode 1
Premise: A band of People sized animal things in colourful colours perform songs on a tropical island.
A bit like: Pugwall’s Summer meets The Muppet Show.
Rating: 7/10

Why Take Me Out may actually be the work of the devil

On this day of forced romanticism, I thought I’d take a few minutes out to write about another example of forced romanticism – Take Me Out.

It is actually one of my favourite shows – I’m not sure why, sometimes I just enjoy really trashy television – and I don’t think that I’ve missed more than a handful of episodes over the last few years. In fact, I even went to see an episode being filmed around a year or so ago.

At least 5 different people have also told me I should apply for the show.

However, something about the show has been bugging me recently. And that is the fact that it seems to perpetuate stereotypes about what men and women look for when selecting a partner.

I’m sure not everyone is as familiar with the show as I am, so I’ll give you a brief rundown of how it works.

A man comes down the “Love Lift”, parades himself in front of 30 women who each have a light in front of them which they will turn off if they decide they don’t want to date the man. The first chance they have to turn off is after they see what he looks like and he introduces himself (e.g. “Hi, I’m Dave and I’m from Scunthorpe!”).

So at this stage, a number of women will usually turn off based on how the chap looks. There are then two further rounds, during which the women will be able to turn off their light at any point they choose. These rounds are generally the bloke talking about himself on a video for a little while followed either by him showing off some talent (such as skateboarding, firebreathing, chopping vegetables really fast) or by his friends and family revealing some really embarrassing piece of information about him.

At this point, if there are any women with their lights still on, then the fella has got himself at date. However, this is where the disparity comes in. The man then has to narrow it down to two women based solely on looks and anything they’ve said previously. He does this whilst the crowd are baying at him. He then asks these two a question and selects between them based on their answer.

The guy has divulged a lot of information about himself over the past ten minutes or so, so the women are making an informed decision about whether they think he’s a suitable partner, but he is making his decision based on their physical appearance and their answer to his question in which usually doesn’t divulge any information about them at all. Either they give some sort of flirty answer (e.g. I’d be a curry because it’s hot and spicy just like me) or they miss the point of the question entirely and just basically tell the man to pick him.

It seems like this is perpetuating the stereotype that men don’t look past a women’s physical appearance when choosing a partner which, believe it or not, is actually untrue.

This won’t stop me watching the show though.

For a slightly more upbeat Valentine’s Day post, read the loveletter I wrote to my kettle last year.

A person of no faith

Dear Rachel Reeves MP,
I got annoyed watching Question Time this week.
This isn’t an unusual occurrence, it actually happens most weeks and I’ll just go into a rant on Twitter about and forget about. However, this week it wasn’t to do with some fundamental disagreement on a political matter, or annoyance that the Tory was the most sensible politician on the panel although this is happening a scary amount of times as I get older.

The thing that annoyed me most was when you used the term “people of no faith” to describe non-religious people.
Now, I am a devout atheist (more on that at some point maybe, although possibly not as I don’t like to force my opinions on others) and so therefore I would fall under your  classification of “people of no faith.” However, I feel that this is a very misleading term.
Ok, maybe militant atheists might get offended at the term faith and openly embrace the idea of being someone without faith. I am not one of those people.
I may not have a religion – although saying it like that makes it sound like I am lacking something which I feel I am not – but I have a lot of faith. However, my faith is not faith in someone or something that you cannot see. I have a great faith in humanity. Sometimes, I wonder why, but other times mankind can show itself to be the most wonderful and beautiful thing.
The London riots last year showed me both sides of this. Initially I started to despair at what had happened to humanity but when everyone started to get together for the clean up action afterwards, my faith in people was increased.
I have faith in that people are underneath it all, generally good, moral and generous beings.
I also feel that this faith is stronger than many people’s religious faith as the object of it is tangible. The results are visible. But now is not the time to get into an argument about who is right or wrong on the matter of the big G.
In these days when people get offended by the silliest little slight on themselves or their beliefs and we often have to tip toe around issues, I call for greater acknowledgement and respect of my kind of people as we respect you and your kind (I’m talking about religious people not politicians as clearly politicians rarely get any respect from the public).
So, Ms Reeves, I am not a person of no faith. I am a person of strong faith, just not the kind of faith in invisible people who live in the sky. Please acknowledge this in future.
Many thanks.

The Only Way Is Stereotypes

As a scientific experiment, I spent the afternoon of New Year’s Eve watching an episode of each of the following shows: The Only Way Is Essex (henceforth known as TOWIE), Made In Chelsea, Geordie Shore and Desperate Scousewives. Coincidentally, this was also one of the worst afternoons I spent in 2011. The idea was that I couldn’t criticise these sorts of shows without watching them. That’s the sort of attitude which really annoys me when I set it in others.
Now, I don’t claim to be terribly up to date on modern television and it’s been 14 years since I studied media studies, so please forgive me for any inaccuracies in what follows although feel free to criticise my views.
I would liken all four shows to being stuck on a bus with some annoying loud people with an accent which varies depending on the show being unable to avoid their inane conversations about who has recently fornicated with whom.

Common Themes
There are some common themes which can be seen in all of the shows and a few – but not a significant number of – differentiating features. This was actually the thing that annoyed me most, that after a while they sort of blend into one show.
This is probably why each of the shows will have captions pop up to tell you the names of the characters on a regular basis. They don’t trust the viewer to remember who the characters are, what their names are or in some circumstances what their relationship is to the other characters. We are told at least twice in the episode of TOWIE the name of Arg’s nan and their relationship.
This is an indicator of the lowest common demoninator marketing strategy for the shows. The language in the shows is also very simplistic and I think any 8 year old watching the show shouldn’t need to grasp for a dictionary at any point.
All the shows appear to have a focus that looks being more important than personality. In Geordie Shore, it is claimed that “looking this good is a full time job.” Desparate Scousewives has several shots of people preening themselves before a night out although there appeared to be less discussion of appearance than on the other shows. This is made up for with the presence of a fashion blogger who was critical of a “local celebrity”’s appearance at an awards show.
As a consequence of this, fake tan features predominantly throughout the shows. In Geordie Shore one of the characters claims that it’s “Geordie law… you gotta have a tan.” The only show that appears to contradict this is one of the characters in Made In Chelsea saying “fake tan is probably the most offensive thing in the world” but there is still at least one character with a fake tan.
This emphasis on appearance and tans is obviously the sort of forced fashion agenda that is usually the realm of women’s magazines and I would imagine that the markets for the two products overlap somewhat. It’s obviously not a great message to be putting across and could be a negative influence if children grow up with the impression that what matters is how they look.
The shows also promote a lack of individuality. In Geordie Shore, one of the men who just wanted to be himself was was excluded from the group, although all he wanted to do differently from the others was not spend all his time in the gym working on his six-pack. He still had in general the same attitude towards women and life as the other male characters. He was finally accepted into the group when he jumped into a fight that one of the other characters had got themselves into.
The shows have a tendency to claim to be the authority on the area which they represent. I can’t work out whether the characters in TOWIE believe that Essex is the name of the town they live in or whether it is generic so that they don’t offend the residents of any one part of the county. I also can’t work out how they’ve managed to turn Essex into a verb. I Essex, you Essex, he/she Essexes, we all Essex. I can’t imagine it’ll be long before that somehow wangles it’s way into the OED.
This is most predominant in Geordie Shore when one of the characters expresses the xenophobic statement “if you’re from Middelsborough then you might as well be from Mars.”  They are adamant that Geordie’s must do this or that otherwise they don’t fit in. This ties back to the lack of individuality that the shows seem to prescribe.
I would be interested to know what people from the areas depicted in these shows feel about the way that they are represented. I know people from all of these areas except for Chelsea (I’m not that posh) and they are nothing like the people on these shows. Obviously the producers have handpicked these people to be on the shows to be the most entertaining but they also seem to have picked them for their lowest common denominator appeal. I’m sure there must be doctors, lawyers or nuclear physicists from all of these towns but for some reason they are not represented. I would like to hope that it’s because they don’t want to be on the shows rather than that they are being excluded but I feel it might be both.
With the exception of Geordie Shore which is more fly on the wall, the shows all have high production values. But the image they attempt to convey varies slightly. Desparate Scousewives is attempting to give itself an Americanised glamour image for example, and Made In Chelsea appears to use a filter to give itself a different look to the other shows.
In general, these shows appear to have forced conversations due to the semi-real situations that are engineered for the benefit of the show. It’s obvious not “real” because some of the scenes have 3 or 4 cameras in use which would be in shot if it wasn’t being acted out. The thing is, these people aren’t trained actors, so they are often stumbling over their improvised words aware that whatever they say might be broadcast, which can make look like a primary school nativity play at times.

Unique Selling Points
The main differenc e in the shows is the focus of the characters. In Geordie Shore, the focus is hedonisitc and the characters rarely talk about anything that is not in some way directly related to sex. One of them describes being a Geordie as “going out, getting trashed, not caring about what people think of you.” When asked to do some simple promotional work handing out leaflets another states that she is “still not overly thrilled about having to work at all, like.” Anything that takes them away from their hedonistic lifestyle is an annoyance.
In TOWIE, the focus is more on the relationships of the characters, whether two characters are going to get together, whether an ex will be an issue and problems of that ilk. The characters in TOWIE also seem to have jobs although in the episode I watched this was not obvious which I assume was due to it being a Christmas episode. The representation of the characters seems to fit in with the traditional Essex stereotype of regular but dim-witted people.
Made In Chelsea is a much more aspirational show. This can be seen even before the program starts when advertisers Rimmel tell us we should “get the London look.” The characters are keen to emphasise how high class they are as one character mentions he went to Eton and then in the same breath tells us that “Top Shop is a turn-off.” To be caught at the wrong place or in the wrong outfit seems to be the worst crime that one can commit.
The language used is also less common. I was shocked when the word “suitor” was used. It’s not uncommon but after having watched the other three shows my brain had switched off and I had to reboot it to remember what it meant.
The characters – or at least some of them – are shown not to be as highly educated as they claim to be when one of them says “Charles Dickens wrote Winnie the Pooh. No, Pride and Prejudice. Dickens wrote Victorian books like Pride and Prejudice.” Thus it can be inferred that by and large, what the characters are trying to get across to us is just a facade. Had the show discussed this and tried to investigate why this is, it would have been a much more interesting viewing experience.
In Chelsea, there is also a higher level of discussion about relationships. Two of the male characters discuss what to text a girl in order to give the right impression. This might not seem like much but again, after watching the other three shows, it was a breath of fresh air.
There is also more facial hair. I don’t know what the significance of this is but as a bearded man, I’d like to think they are conveying the message that facial hair represents intelligence and style.
In Desparate Scousewives, they claim to be “loud and proud” although this is in a much more refined way than the characters from Geordie Shore. In the opening sequence, they claim that Liverpool invented music but I couldn’t pick out any Liverpudlian bands in the episode I watched. I do remember hearing Oasis (Manchester) and The Cure (Crawley). If you’re going to make these sorts of claims, you should follow through on them.
As I mentioned earlier, it is attempting to give itself an Americanised glamour image right from these opening titles to the mini-sequence just before the ad break which features half a dozen ladies all dressed up and walking towards the camera in front of a view of the Liverpool shoreline that appears to be trying to pretend to be Manhattan.
It also appears to be the most liberal or metropolitan of all the shows with 3 openly gay characters whereas there were none in Geordie Shore and just the one overly camp chap in TOWIE. I thought there was one in Made In Chelsea but he was dating a woman so I assume he must be one of these “metrosexuals” I’ve heard so much about.
Desperate Scousewives also has sections where the characters talk directly to the camera in an attempt to enhance the impression of the reality of the show.  As an artistic measure I can appreciate this as it gives us an insight into the characters thought process, however I do think that in this case it makes the representation of Liverpool that the show portrays even worse. It is attempting to present the show more as a documentary than as a semi-scripted show which therefore might lead the viewer to believe that Liverpudlians are as this show presents whereas they are obviously an exaggerated version of reality.

Who can we blame for these shows?
Back in the day when MTV still predominantly played music videos, there was a documentary show called The Real World. This is credited as launching the modern reality TV genre although was itself inspired by a 1973 documentary called An American Family. The Real World featured about 8-10 young adults who haven’t met living in a house share for a period of time with cameras following them around this whole time.
This seems to be an obvious inspiriation for Big Brother where a similar number of people move into a house for a length of time but are not allowed to leave (in The Real World the participants were just getting on with their lives) and are given challenges to earn rewards. Big Brother is more of a divergence from the route of the shows that we are considering here and instead leads us down the path of shows such as I’m A Celebrity.
As an aside, Peter Bazalgette, one of the men responsible for the creation of Big Brother received a knighthood in the New Year’s Honours list. A knighthood! For a man who locks people in a house! We generally give people who do that prison sentences!
MTV’s Jersey Shore is an extension of The Real World but is location and ethnicity specific and it is from here that I think the current crop of shows takes its lead. MTV has a wide range of reality shows including The Hills, Cribs and Pimp My Ride. So I think we can place the blame on the fact that some wise guy at MTV decided to ignore what the letter M stood for.

Why are these shows popular?
I really struggled to find anything within these shows that would keep me watching beyond the episode. They are obviously popular though, otherwise they wouldn’t keep spawning imitations.
I can only think that they are the modern equivalent of soaps for the iGeneration. At least they’re not as depressing as Eastenders. We can just thank our lucky stars that as we all pay for the licence fee, at least the BBC remains exempt from shows of this ilk. At least for the moment.
Soap operas have often been heralded as a good form of escapism which allows people to relax, learn from – when Eastenders and Brookside introduced homosexual characters it could be said to help them gain acceptance in society – and to reflect on their lives in some way by comparing it to those of the characters in the soap.
I am not a fan of soap operas as they often keep creating more and more exciting storylines to keep the viewers entranced and I think this undermines the sense of realism that is created. Soap operas are also open-ended and I like stories which have a beginning, a middle and an end as I feel they are in general better crafted than a soap which is written on a rolling basis as the writers will inevitably not know where they are eventually going with their characters.
Having said this, I can understand why shows such as those I have discussed above are enjoyable to some in the same way that soap operas are. However, I feel that the messages portrayed in TOWIE et al are more damaging that the positive messages that generally run through traditional soap operas and I hope that these are addressed in the future to make them more of a positive force in the lives of their viewers.

Bibliography:
For the first time, I feel I can legitimately have a bibliography on a blog. This makes me feel like a pro.
The Only Way Is Essex – The Only Way Is EssexMas
Geordie Shore – Season 1, Episode 1
Made In Chelsea – Season 1, Episode 1
Desperate Scousewives – Season 1, Episode 1